Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about a mugging outside a Starbucks, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Man mugged as he exits Starbucks

The real news is that he had any money left.

Pope Francis laid to rest after historic funeral in front of 250,000

Now, we wait to see which potential replacements make it to the Sweet Sistine.

Colossal squid filmed in deep ocean for the first time ever

I had no inkling …

Sarah Sanders begs her old boss Trump to reconsider after president rejects Arkansas’ request for disaster relief funds

… This week on ‘Smokey Eye and the Bandit.’

Ben Affleck shocks fans by celebrating Easter with his ex-wife Jennifer

Y’all going to need to be more specific.

Car bomb kills senior Russian general near Moscow

So … natural causes.

Musk dropped budget cut projections from 2 trillion to 1 trillion to 150 billion

Next, he’s going change name of X to VII to V.

Florida man busted on Amtrak train with ‘small arsenal’ of weapons

So, it sounds like he mistook Amtrak for being short for Ammotrak.

Pentagon reportedly in ‘chaos’ as Hegseth loses four staffers in one day

Guess Hegseth’s going to need to plead the fifth … of Jack.

Zak is back, the Who’s Pete Townshend says the band’s longtime drummer and Ringo Starr’s kid is ‘not being asked to step down’

… Making him the Pete Best and Ringo Starr of The Who in a 48-hour time period.

Bill Belichick’s girlfriend Jordon Hudson have sweet date night with creative ‘lobster dinner’ dessert

Cool, as long as it wasn’t a school night.

Ikea owns wind power farm in Sweden

… Betting it takes more energy assembling than it puts out

Lab-grown teeth move a step closer to becoming reality

Jack Nicholson: The tooth! We can’t handle the tooth.

Ex-US Rep. George Santos sentenced to over 7 years in prison for fraud and identity theft

He could be away even longer if it turns out he’s actually Bob Menendez.

Pete Davidson has spent $200K on tattoo removals

… Although no word on whose body …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)