Polygraphs and ‘proven’ tests for witchcraft are being implemented by FBI Director Kash Patel to find leakers.
Working under the auspices of the new Department of Loyalty, FBI Director Kash Patel has taken charge of a government-wide effort by the Trump Administration to stem leaks of sensitive information to the public.
“We have begun implementing polygraphs agency-wide at the FBI,” said Patel, contacted at the D.C. Hooters restaurant, where DHS Secretary Kristi Noem’s purse was stolen last week. Patel said he was “Johnny-on-the-Spot” and investigating the theft personally.
Asked if he had any leads, Patel replied that the purse was recovered and that the possible perpetrator of the theft tracked down by his subsequent use of the package of Trojan Condoms which DOGE exec. Elon Musk had gifted Noem.
Patel said that the condoms were “freakishly small” and that only a few persons might have made use of them. Reportedly, the recovery effort has reached the White House, but Patel said he had no further details to release at this time.
When questioned about the dubious admissibility of polygraphs or so-called “lie detector tests” in court, Patel brushed their admissibility aside, saying that he just wanted to know the felons’ identity, “prosecutorial protocols be damned.”
Patel went on to say that truth-seeking measures were likewise being embraced by DoD Secretary Pete Hegseth, who “has had a helluva time with leaks.” In addition to the lie detector tests, Patel and Hegseth and Attorney General Pam Bondi are using other tests of fidelity and honesty.
These tests bear a marked similarity to tests for bewitched persons and reputed witches, from Salem, Massachusetts in the early 17th century. The similarity was not lost on Patel: “Witch hunts are endemic to government nowadays, so it is only natural that we implement such tests.”
Tests include binding the accused leaker with stout ropes and then submersing them in water — the Potomac or the Tidal Basin are suggested as venues for this test. When asked how this test worked, Patel explained that, if the submerged person floated to the top, then they were in league with Satan (Hillary Clinton) and therefore guilty of leaking. What if they drown? Patel remarked that, “Then they’re innocent and I guess the joke’s on us.”
Other tests being considered include searching the accused’s body for “witch marks,” such as moles, and then inserting a pin or needle. If the accused leaker feels no pain, then he/she is considered guilty and terminated “in the ovens.”
Other tests under consideration include the “urine test,” baking “witch cakes” and the Trump Putt Test. Patel wouldn’t elaborate on the last test, but insiders say it involves sinking a 40-ft. putt on the 7th green at Mar-a-Lago.
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