[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Convicted Trump Asks Witch Doctor for Help to ‘Rain Vengeance’

Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network)

Breaking News, Five-Star Extra-Special Edition: Trump seeks help to “rain vengeance” upon his enemies.

According to SNN damnation reporter Mortalle Synne, upon leaving the New York courtroom following his conviction on 34 counts, the first phone call ex-President Donald Trump made was to SNN witch doctoress Dr. Sweet Mama Doorite.

Witch Doctor rain vengeance
Trump seeks help to rain vengeance upon his enemies. Image by puuikibeach, flickr.com, CC BY 2.0.

Mr. Trump offered Dr. Doorite an undisclosed amount of cash to help him rain vengeance and unleash calamity upon his enemies.

Dr. Doorite is known for being the mistress of an extreme form of Voodoo known as Poppazooo. The essence of Poppazooo is an ancient evil which can be summoned by simply standing in a tub of Koguchi vinegar and chanting “gititgititgitit” several hundred times.

According to Ms. Synne, Mr. Trump wanted his enemies transformed into various creatures, such as:

  • Michael Cohen to be changed into a snake
  • DA Alvin Bragg changed into a frog
  • Stormy Daniels into a ferret
  • Judge Juan Merchan into a lizard
  • NY Attorney General Letitia James into a white woman
  • DA Fani Willis into a nanny goat
  • Special Prosecutor Jack Smith into a three toed sloth
  • MSNBC into the Bozo The Clown Channell
  • and President Joe Biden into Millard Fillmore

All of this, ordered Trump, is to happen before his July 11 sentencing date.

Ted Holland