[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Future News: Trump in Stir Creates a Stir

Who knew? Trump in stir is causing quite a stir.

Inmate 21324 at Odds with Prison Management

Future News (Sept. 8, 2024): Former President Donald J. Trump, sentenced in July to 16 months in prison for conviction on 34 counts of falsification of business records in Manhattan, began his incarceration one week ago today and who knew, Trump in stir is causing quite a stir.

Trump in stir
Trump in stir. Cartoon by Jack Ohman, as seen in the June 2024 issue of the Humor Times magazine.

Interviewed by Fox News host Jesse Watters in the visitor’s lounge at Sing Sing Correctional Facility in Westchester County, Trump denounced Superintendent Marilyn Kopp as “Incompetent, conflicted and a Trump hater.” At issue is Kopp’s decision to disallow the ex-president’s attempt to arrange for his own meals at the storied prison in Ossining, NY.

“The inmate,” said Kopp, referencing Trump, “wanted to hire Grubhub to ferry Big Macs and Double Cheeseburgers from a McDonald’s restaurant, as well as Blue Bell Vanilla Ice Cream from a local dairy, to satisfy needs which are peculiar to him.” New York Department of Corrections regulations do not allow inmates to eat meals outside what is available at the cafeteria or commissary.

“Sing Sing has a resident dietitian who ensures that inmates receive nutritional and delicious conventional meals. We can’t make an exception for any felon, even an ex-president,” Kopp maintained.

Trump has plenty of other objections to make about Sing Sing leadership. Referring to Kopp as “That Democrat Bitch,” he complained that she seized his cell phone on his first day in lockup. “I got a hundred million followers on Truth Social,” blurted Trump, indicating his media platform. “If I don’t get phone access again,” he warned, “there will be a blood bath in here.”

Kopp said that Trump has made a “conventional transition” from “citizen to fish.” She added that “Donald Trump will continue to adapt.” Already, the prison population has become polarized over the presence of the former president in lockup. 57% of inmates at Sing Sing are Black and many take issue with what they say are “preferences” accorded Trump.

According to prison records, Donald Trump Jr. deposited $600,000 in his father’s account at the prison commissary. Inmates complain that with these funds Trump purchases preferential treatment, favors, and, though a non-smoker, more than 400 packages of cigarettes per day. (Tobacco is the universal prison currency). Trump told Watters that his own 6 X 9 ft. cell is in reality more than 1,500 sq. ft. in area.

Kopp admitted that Trump entered the facility “with an attitude,” and has exhibited some behavioral problems, but “nothing our staff of doctors, mental health professionals and keepers can’t handle.” She cited as an example, the inmate’s reluctance to adapt to the prison dress code. “Inmate 21324,” she asserted, insists upon wearing an extra-long red tie with his orange jump suit. “But we’ll break him,” she said. “He’s just another fish.”

Bill Tope