Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about Travis Kelce doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Travis Kelce responds to “Mr. Pfizer” label from Aaron Rodgers

Adding that Rogers should tap his front hoof once if he gets it, twice if he doesn’t.

Israel formally declares war on Hamas

So, all those Twitter epistemology experts who became Women’s Gymnastics experts are now Mid-East experts.

Matt Gaetz ousts Speaker McCarthy

Gaetz wanted to dump McCarthy so bad, you’d think McCarthy just turned 18.

Elon Musk strips news headlines from X, posing challenge for media outlets

X’s motto: If ain’t broke, break it!

GOP’s own Biden impeachment witness agrees Rudy Giuliani should be grilled

At the very least, Rudy should have to go testify in the parking lot of the International House of Representatives and Pancakes!

Comedy Central widens search for ‘Daily Show’ host beyond Hasan Minhaj

Minhaj will spend the time on his memoir ‘Oppenheimer.’

Sophie Turner and her kids are living in Taylor Swift’s NYC apartment during Joe Jonas legal battle

Wait until Taylor finds out.

Woman filmed making out with on-duty married cop says she’s ‘done nothing wrong’

In fairness, instead of copping a feel, she is guilty of feeling a cop.

MyPillow lawyers say CEO Mike Lindell owes them millions of dollars

And, if they used MyPillows, a good night’s sleep.

Emily Ratajkowski nearly suffered ‘close call’ wardrobe malfunction at VMAs

… Y’mean something almost stayed on?

Check out the dirty underbelly of Swedish Street Racing

If IKEA is sponsoring, no wonder, there’s always a screw or three missing …

Accused groper Matt Schlapp laughably blames ‘woke’ politics for his Fox News ban

No word if Lauren Boebert will make it up to him with a night of musical theater.

‘Saturday Night Live’ returns on NBC, Pete Davidson hosts Season 49 premiere

So, he’ll wind up dating himself.

US economy creates 336,000 jobs in September

… would’ve been 336,001, but, y’know, Kevin McCarthy …

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)