[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Trump Comes Clean in Time Interview

He agreed to the Time interview provided that the periodical put him on the cover yet again.

In a sprawling, three-hour interview conducted in Palm Beach, Florida with Time magazine, former President Donald J. Trump laid out in definitive terms the scope and impact of his policies, domestically, should he be reelected in November.

Trump Time interview
Time interview cover.

Trump agreed to the Time interview provided that the periodical put him on their cover for what Trump said was the 75th time. Trump began the interview by saying that the “Streets would run red with blood” should he fail to recapture the office he held from 2017-2021. He added that he felt confident that he would “win in a landslide.”

Trump addressed many of the salient issues confronting the American body politic for the next four years, including immigration, abortion, the rule of law and use of the military and national guard to settle domestic unrest.

“As far as immigration is concerned,” began Trump, “we have 11 million ethnic mutts to dislodge from our infrastructure and deport.”

Trump advocated, as he has often before, the creation of 40-100 massive Vermin Containment Facilities (VCFs) to hold illegals prior to their deportment. The ex-president has also been a proponent of recruiting soldiers from the now-inactive Wagner Group, an army of Russian mercenaries whose exploits gained recognition last year in Niger and other places, to serve as VCF guards.

“They are battle-tested, fierce and fearless,” declared the ex-president, “and they know how to deal with foreigners.” When confronted with the legal opinion that use of the military to confront immigrants would violate the Posse Comitatus Act that prevents federal troops from being used against civilians, Trump shrugged this off, contending that “Illegals aren’t civilians anyway.”

On the issue of abortion, Trump suggested that women in so-called Red states be subject to “gestational discipline,” meaning that pregnant women would be monitored by state officials to assure that they actually give birth. “Leave it up to the states,” said Trump grimly.

Regarding Mifepristone, the drug used in pharmaceutical abortions, which comprise 60% of abortions in the U.S., Trump has come out in favor of enforcing the terms of the Comstock Act, a 19th Century law which would effectively prevent manufactuers from sending the pill through the U.S. Mail. “Out of sight, out of mind,” quipped Trump with a twinkle.

As relates to the Rule of Law, the concept that all persons are treated equally under the law, regardless of their status, wealth, gender, race or other characteristics, Trump said that “That’s bullshit! What’s the point of working hard and getting to the top, if there are no rewards for your achievement? Strictly bullshit!” he repeated irritably. “Next they’ll be outlawing forcible rape!”

The fourth major issue he addressed directly was use of the National Guard or even the military to combat domestic discord. Said Trump: “Antifa, Black Lives Matter, Moslem insurgents, the Press, the LGBTQ Community, book-readers; all are enemies of the people and they must be defeated.”

As he has said many times before this interview, in rallies and at townhalls, Trump plans to install Reichsfuhrer Steven Miller, the genius behind the family separation policy at the Mexican border, in a new Cabinet-level post, as the nation’s first Secretary of Discipline (SOD). The ex-president said member of this force would be known as “Sodomites.

Trump advocates “brute force” to disrupt sit-ins, unauthorized demonstrations and assemblies and “anything else I feel like doing.” He also said he would employ the military to fight intercity crime, with instructions to U.S. soldiers to “shoot shoplifters in the leg,” preferably with a “large caliber weapon.” He came out once again in favor of offering law enforcement “bounties” for “winging a perp at a distance of more than 150 yards.”

Regarding seeking “retribution” against President Joe Biden following Trump’s successful election compaign, Trump promised not to do it. “And whoever heard of a president going back on his word?” he asked, lifting his chin and smiling beatifically. “On the other hand,” hedged Trump, “if the Supreme Court doesn’t rule in favor of presidential immunity, then Crooked Joe will be indicted, prosecuted, convicted and imprisoned — I guarantee it. Biden,” declared Trump, “has committed many crimes.”

Addressing the question of federal job security, Trump remarked that he would use an unclear “Schedule F” provision of the Federal Rules of Civil Procedure to fire nonpartison career civil servants and thereby purge the federal employment rolls of undesirables. Trump stated frankly that he supports resurrecting the Spoils System, popular nearly two hundred years ago, under his favorite president, Andrew Jackson.

Winding up the marathon interview, Trump said he is considering promoting his daughter-in-law Lara Trump from RNC co-chair to head up the Office of Personal Managment (OPM) which manages the tenure and benefits of nearly 3 million federal employees. “Lara would be great,” boasted Trump. “Just look what she did with the RNC.” Trump also said he envisions transplanting the OPM from Washington, D.C. to Palm Beach, FL. “Lara needs to be near her family,” he explained.

Bill Tope
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