[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Trump Faces Civil Action by Jan. 6 Rioters

Breaking News: Jan. 6 defendants-turned-plaintiffs cite undue influence in civil action against Trump.

Former President Donald J. Trump now faces civil action proceedings in more than 1,300 cases brought this week by those charged in the infamous Jan. 6, 2021 Capitol insurrection. The plaintiffs charge that Trump inveigled them to break the law by exerting undue influence.

civil action, pence noose
Defendant prepares Pence gallows. Photo: Committee on House Administration’s Subcommittee on Oversight, public domain.

Said Eliot Twerp, attorney for three persons — QAnon’s the Bostic Brothers — charged with destruction of government property: “Trump used misstatements and the gravity of his office to induce my clients to threaten to hang Mike Pence and to break the lintel on the door to Nancy Pelosi’s office.” Twerp’s clients received between 6 and 18 months for their offenses.

Two other convicted felons, speaking out on condition of anonymity, said through their attorney Michael Avenatti that they, too, had been misled.

Avenatti, who is presently confined to Terminal Island Prison, a minimum-security facility in California, where he was sentenced to 14 years for stealing from his clients, communicated to reporters through X (formerly Twitter).

Speaking on condition that we not reveal his identity — he has been disbarred — Avenatti said that he’d like to see Trump behind bars, because he knows convicted felons in federal lockups in New York, Florida, Georgia and D.C. who would like to “get up close and personal with the ex-president — and they ain’t Republicans!”

Red Fellatio, a defendant in the Jan. 6 case who is not represented by counsel, maintained that Trump “Misled us, man. He said he’d meet us at the Capitol and he hid in the Oval Office, stuffing his face with double cheeseburgers and Diet Coke. Guy’s a McWiener, man!”

Plaintiffs variously cited loss of income, irreparable damage to their reputations, and unspecified expenses incurred by the confiscation by Capitol Police of an untold quantity of bear spray.

Alina Habba, representing Trump in the 1,314 cases brought by the Jan. 6 criminals so far, said that Trump has filed papers in the District of Columbia, counter-suing the plaintiffs for defamation and wrongful prosecution. Trump’s filing also maintains that the plaintiffs’ actions are impeding his campaign for president.

Trump, while unavailable for comment, did reply to the accusations by posting on his media platform Truth Social, that “These are convicted felons — criminals — like Michael Cohen. Who can trust anything they say?” Trump, who has previously alluded to the Jan. 6 rioters as “hostages,” and “patriots,” said he was reconsidering his position on “obvious lawbreakers.”

Bill Tope
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