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IOC Sued: Country Cites DEI and BOS Concerns

Dispatches from SNN (Slobovian News Network)

Citing DEI and BOS worries, suit alleges the upcoming Olympics lack any sports based in Slobovian culture.

SNN International Sports correspondent Shortte Stoppe reports that with the 2024 Summer Olympics about to begin, Slobovian President General Blunte Force Trauma has filed suit against the International Olympic Committee, citing DEI (Diversity, Equity and Inclusion) and BOS (Bunch Of Schitte) concerns.

Olympics, DEI concerns
The 2000 Summer Olympics in Sydney, Australia. Photo: Brian Pracy, CC BY-SA 3.0 au.

General Trauma stated that of the dozens of sports showcased in the Olympics, none are based in Slobovian culture.

Among the Slobovian sports General Trauma wants the IOC to consider are:

    1. HORSE HOCKEY: The national sport of Slobovia, Horse Hockey is to Slobovia what baseball is to America. In the city of Stanckte, there are 400 Horse Hockey clubs from pro to little Schittesky. The Slobovian National Horse Hockey League is the world’s oldest sports federation.
    2. OODLY: Slobovia’s oldest sport. Contestants drink Oodly (9 day old fermented Kraut juice), then take turns punching each other in the gut. The first to schitte wins.
    3. DUNG WRESTLING: Slobovia’s most popular TV sport. Millions watch Monday Night Dung Wrestling each week. They love watching two, four, six or ten topless beauties slug it out in a flaming dung pit.
    4. GAVONKIS: Slobovian baseball. There is only one base and there can be up to five runners on base at the same time. There are no home runs, as batters just beat the ball into the ground and run until they get thrown out. Think of rosters full of Elly De La Cruzes.
    5. BOX FIGHTING: Boxers punch their way out of a piano crate, then fight each other. No rounds, no time limits.
    6. LADIES SYNCHRONIZED FARTING: The champs can toot “The Slobovian Battle Hymm” in 8-part fartharmony.
    7. STUMP POKER: The teenage coming-of-age game for cash and prizes.

General Trauma stated that he has employed American civil rights and DEI attorney Ben Crump and famed Slobovian BOS lawyer Pissoffe DePope to represent him.

Breaking News

Slobovian Inquisition Reparations Approved

If members of your family were injured or killed during the Slobovian Inquisition of 1637, you may collect the sum of 456 Slobovian Grubniks ($7.95 in American money) in damages. Residents of Slobovia will get the money automatically. If you live outside of Slobovia, you must prove that you are of Slobovian descent by answering the following questions:

  1. Are you a Defecationist?
  2. Have you ever played Horse Hockey?
  3. Do you know who Humpalong Stancktman is?
  4. Do you know how many Phummpo it takes to make Phummpodinkke?
  5. Do you have an old family recipe for Nootzugge?
  6. Is anyone in your family named Slobbo, Schittzie, Schluttzie or Muletoole?

If you answered no to any of these questions, sorry, you are not Slobovian.

SNN Words to Live By

“Never arbitrate — it is the resort of the weak.” — Attila the Hun.

“All lives end, all hearts are broken.” — Sherlock Holmes.

Ted Holland