The administration’s measures appear to assure that the 2028 Games will be remembered as the Trump Olympics.
Affixing his signature with a flourish, President Donald Trump signed an Executive Order with a Sharpie on Tuesday, creating an “LA28 Task Force” to make sure the 2028 Los Angeles Olympics will in effect be a Trump Olympics to “reflect the Trumpish character of our nation.”
Trump immediately declared himself chairman of the Trump Olympics Task Force, with absolute, insuperable authority. Also on the task force are Vice President JD Vance, serving as deputy chair; DoD Secretary Pete Hegseth; and DHS Secretary Kristi Noem, who will also lead the American contingent in the parade of athletes during the Games’ opening ceremonies, where she will model a bikini.
Also to be involved are Vance mentor and billionaire Peter Thiel and newly pardoned sex trafficker Ghislaine Maxwell, who will be in charge of youth events, as well as presidential aide Reichsfuhrer Stephen Miller, who, Trump said, “will have his hands full” enacting security measures for the 17-day event scheduled for July.
According to a White House press release, Trump will be “taking every opportunity to showcase American greatness on the world stage.” To this end, the president has promised on-site kiosks selling $Trump meme coins, Trump steaks, and flasks of vintage Trump vodka to a hungry crowd.
In 2028, in addition to 351 events in 36 typical Olympic sports, the Games will feature certain “demonstration sports,” which at the behest of he Trump administration will include “Sports Hunting.”
Trump’s own sons, Donald Jr. and Eric, will participate, stalking elephants, tigers, and other endangered species through the Los Angeles Coliseum, where they will shoot these beasts dead and then pose for garish photos with the carcasses.
Another demonstration sport under consideration is ballroom dancing, an event to be held at a new ballroom under construction by the Trump Organization. “You see,” explained Trump, “we got so much money from our lawsuits with woke law firms and colleges and media companies that we set aside $300 million to build a ballroom in LA. After the games, ownership will revert to the Trump Library, naturally.”
Trump cited his lucrative cottage industry of taking legal action against accommodating plaintiffs as means of providing payment of the entire $6.88 billion estimated costs for staging the 2028 Olympics. He said it is only right for the Games to be known as the Trump Olympiad.
Mindful of the dangers of a city with a high percentage of minority citizenship, Trump vowed to send the National Guard and the U.S. military back to the city in order to protect the games. “We can also expect a heavy ICE presence,” promised Trump, to forestall the “invasion of L.A. by caravans of vermin” endeavoring to blend in with Los Angelenos and invade American shores.
“Stop and frisk” efforts are in the offing, said border czar Tom Homan. “Those suspects unable to provide their paperwork will be sent to Alligator Alcatraz and other penal venues.”
JD Vance mentor and billionaire Peter Thiel has reiterated his desire for an “open Olympics,” featuring use of performance-enhancing drugs by the athlete-participants. “Imagine,” said Thiel, “a sub-three-minute mile or a clean and press of 1,000 pounds, or scoring 40 goals in a soccer game.”
“Gad, it would be outstanding,” he said warmly. Reportedly Pfizer, Johnson & Johnson, and Roche have expressed an interest in creating an “open” Olympics.
Last month Trump officially banned two classes of participants from the Olympics: Ukrainians, whom Trump said he is banning for that country’s unprovoked war against the “peaceful nation of Russia” and for what he called the preponderance of Nazis presently running the Ukrainian government, and transgender athletic competitors, though Trump says they may participate in the ballroom dancing.
Asked to explain his decision, Trump said, “RuPaul’s got some moves, man.” When it was pointed out that RuPaul was a drag queen and not transgender, Trump shrugged and said, “Same difference.”
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