Resolutions for 2013 that should’ve been made by various celebrities, but probably weren’t
Okay. Bent over. Hands on knees. Breathing hard. Whew. Made it to 2013. *Pant. Pant.*
For a while there, didn’t seem like it’d ever happen, but somehow we mercifully staggered across the annum finish line, finally placing 2012 irrevocably in the rear-view mirror.
Make no mistake, the political climate is still volatile. Rash. Mad. Loud. Pulsating forehead vein above arcing spray of spittle loud. And the double-crossing chicanery hasn’t mellowed a bit of a spot of an iota from the fever pitch of last year’s quadrennial heights.
But now we’re deep enough into the new year that a few of us have occasionally remembered to scribble “2013” on our checks. Yeah, checks. Aren’t we the digital ones? Mostly zeroes. And as a public service we here at Durstco have offered to assist with a couple of 2013 resolutions that should have been made for this, the fourth year of the second decade of the 21st century. But probably weren’t.
- Donald Trump commits himself, sometime during the coming year, against his better judgment, to somehow stumble onto the semblance of a clue.
- Joe Biden takes an oath to learn how to laugh without frightening children.
- Epitomizing the height of lowered expectations, the 113th Congress resolves to do more than the 112th Congress.
- Rick Perry guarantees to someday be the president of some darn country even if he has to secede to do it.
- President Obama in 2013 pledges to outline a plan to fix the Social Security problem once and for all that doesn’t include raising the retirement age to 83.
- Gen. David Petraeus vows to eat more meals at home. Alone. In the garage.
- Chris Christie swears to do all he can to avoid snickering every time he runs into Mitt Romney.
- Greece aspires to become much more like Portugal.
- Hillary Clinton swears to do all she can to avoid snickering every time she runs into Joe Biden.
- Stung by NFL violence, Nike vows to never again tie its star to overpaid athletes and considers featuring school teachers in its ads. Lasts about an hour.
- Gov. Jerry Brown promises to focus less in 2013 on the vast spaceship that is Earth and more on the run-down, long-term parking shuttle that is California.
- Tim Pawlenty vows to utilize the latest strobe technology to at least give the appearance of movement.
- Clint Eastwood vows to practice, practice, practice.
- PBS determines not to do anything to rile Congress, and makes plans to transform itself into the 24-Hour Antiques Roadshow Network. Minus all that disreputable controversy.
- The Airline Industry makes every effort to finally rid the skies of the most dangerous security element known to man: those pesky passengers.
- The European Financial Crisis promises to fade into the wings.
- The Asian Financial Crisis promises to take center stage.
- John Boehner pledges to find a foundation color that reads less pumpkin and more summer squash.
- Harry Reid makes a determined effort to focus more on the slightly wacky and less on the plumb crazy.
- The Supreme Court steadfastly avers to put the fun back in dysfunctional.
- Sheldon Adelson vows to spend the rest of his fortune on less risky bets than preposterous presidential candidates. He proceeds to blow it all on Nigerian lottery tickets.
- Lindsay Lohan makes a concerted effort to get back to the thing she’s really good at. And equally determined to remember exactly what that is.
Five-time Emmy nominee Will Durst’s new e-book, “Elect to Laugh!” published by Hyperink, now available at Redroom.com, Amazon or any fine virtual book retailer near you.