[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Massive Sinkhole Threatens to Rip Florida in Half

Sure, fracking may cause whole cities to disappear down sinkholes, but at least we’ll be able to heat the homes that are left with our own gas

TAMPA, FL – Mildred and Juan Scoleri were outdoors on their patio surveying the excavation work that the pool company had just finished. They were about to lay the foundation for the pool they’ve been saving for ever since Juan was still working three janitor jobs and one on the side to make ends meet. It was a dream come true — however, that dream has now turned into a nightmare with the sudden appearance of a massive sinkhole.

The entire state of Florida, with the exception of the lower keys, is suing the Scoleris for what they call “the total destruction of the foundation of Florida.”

Massive Sinkhole Threatens to Rip Florida in HalfIt seems that underneath the Scoleri’s property ran the remains of an ancient aquifer that had long since dried up, due to overuse of water by the citrus farmers in the area. The farmers, while knowing the water situation in the area was precarious, also knew that America loves its orange juice and that the orange juice lobbyists run the water works, so to speak. That, and the fact that the central part of Florida has more water parks than God has headaches, not to mention a golf course on every corner — they don’t keep themselves green, you know.

Once the water dried up, the cavernous aquifer remained, but no one thought to check just how big that aquifer really was. Seems it had been growing from the size of a small city, say Peoria, Illinois to its present size — the length of the state of Tennessee.

Geologists, who are just now beginning to do thermal imaging of the area, claim that the bedrock of Florida is being held together by one extremely tenuous layer of limestone that is being constantly eroded away from the bottom up. Once that dissolves, say in the next week or so, they say that Florida is going to snap clean in half, leaving a body of water already dubbed the Florida Narrow Straits in its wake.

“The numerous sinkholes that have been occurring in the area were portending things to come,” claims geologist Dr. Henry Stinkler. “But,” says the geologist, “this is just the tip of the iceberg or in this case, the depths of the sinkhole.”

According to recent news, fracking for oil in Florida was just a heartbeat away and, if that occurs, the state will look more like a broken up jigsaw puzzle than a peninsula. Fracking for oil and gas in other states has been tied to not only enormous sinkholes opening up, but to unusual earthquake activity.

“We are now faced with a natural secession in Florida. Florida is being cut off at the knees. We’re talking North and South Florida, with South Florida being an island. The oil is separating from the water — OK, that one belongs to another disaster. But I ask you, how many more analogies do you need to hear?”

Stinkler says if fracking is allowed, he is certain Florida will become the next Micronesia of the northern hemisphere, littering nearby major bodies of water with tiny islands everywhere.

Meanwhile, the Scolaris aren’t taking this lying down, mainly because their property has been condemned and they have no place to lie down. But they are going to fight.

“I’ll be damned if we are going to be blamed for something that the entire state of Florida is responsible for,” said Mrs. Scolari.

“When they told us not to ask for a glass of water in a restaurant unless we really needed it, when we were told to take shorter showers or shower together, did anyone listen? No, and now fracking? We are paying for it — and by ‘us,’ I don’t mean the Scolaris,” said an angry and tired Mildred Scolari.

P. Beckert