[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Cleveland Police Set Ariel Castro Free, Calling Him a Victim

‘Sure, we got the call about the kinky women with dog collars on,’ said police, ‘there are some wild ladies in Cleveland’

CLEVELAND, OH — Ariel Castro, who had been placed under arrest for allegedly kidnapping, imprisoning and raping three young women over a ten year span, has been released from jail and authorities say no further charges will be issued.

Cleveland police“It’s not against the law to have overnight house guests,” says Lt. Frances Coman, media relations officer for the Cleveland Police Department, “It seems like the biggest crime was that Mr. Castro couldn’t get these women to leave.”

Lt. Coman calls the situation “not at all uncommon” in Cleveland where a strikingly handsome man like Castro, a 52 year-old former school bus driver, is targeted by attractive younger women who take advantage of his kindness by basically moving in, uninvited.

“It happens all the time here,” says Coman, “Everyone’s like “hey, this chick is missing”, when in reality, a young woman will be using an older gentleman for sex and a free place to live. In Mr. Castro’s case, I think he’s just lucky the situation was discovered when it was. These women were likely to kill him with the constant screwing.”

As details emerge about the situation inside Castro’s home, Coman says the police are looking in to the possibility of charges being filed against the three women, who Coman says may have broken several laws against sexual depravity.

“Apparently, these women were into some really kinky stuff,” Coman says, “Whips, chains, that kind of thing. Neighbors even say they saw some weird dog collar role-playing activities going on in broad daylight in the back yard. It really makes you feel for Mr. Castro.”

Coman says it is getting harder and harder for Cleveland’s male population to feel safe in the city, after what happened to Castro and in the case of Anthony Sowell, who in 2009 discovered that eleven prostitutes had committed suicide in his back yard garden in an attempt to frame him for murder and ruin his life.

“It’s getting so a guy can’t get a fair shake in this town,” says Coman, “Lucky for the men in this town, the Cleveland PD is looking out for them.”

Castro issued a statement asking the media and public to please respect his privacy, but a source close to him said that he is happy to finally have his home to himself again.