[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Mass Shootings Happening Everyday Now; NRA Says It’s the Price of Freedom

“It’s just not enough to make a fuss and create new laws about,” says NRA’s Jim Porter as bullets fly at press conference

Since the Newtown school shooting tragedy, mass shootings have been on a steady rise. Now, they are averaging about one a day, says the FBI. Even Mother’s Day parades are no exception, as crazy people have no trouble obtaining guns, since background checks are laughably easy to get around.

Jim Porter, NRA
NRA’s Jim Porter.

But the soon-to-be new NRA leader, Jim Porter, said at a press conference today that it’s still not enough to warrant new background check laws.

Just as he was saying that, shots rang out in the room.

“After all, guns don’t kill people, people do,” he said, ignoring the sudden chaos. Asked if that means that people should be subjected to background checks, Porter answered, “People don’t kill people, guns do.”

With everyone ducking and scattering, and shots continuing to be fired, bullets could be heard whizzing overhead, hitting the walls, podium and windows.

“Our freedoms should not be sacrificed just because a few lone nuts out there take advantage of them,” said Porter, ducking behind a desk with this reporter.

Just then a bullet took his hat off.

“I mean, it’s right there in the Constitution,” he said calmly, “and as Patrick Henry said, ‘Give me Liberty, or give me death.'”

As those words left his mouth, another bullet grazed his scalp.

“Ouch,” said Porter, “that hurt!” People were falling all around us now, and we decided to make a run for the door.

Porter slipped in a pool of blood, and landed on his face, breaking his nose.

“Damn!” he screamed, as I pulled him up and we ran out the door. “Where is the government when you need it?” he screamed, “Someone needs to do something about slippery floors. Someone could get hurt!”

James Israel
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