[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Real Reason Über Rich are Hoarding the World’s Wealth

The ultimate insurance policy for the über rich

Turn on any news channel these days, especially the liberal, left-leaning ones, and you will see a panel of analysts trying to figure out what is behind the enormous shift in wealth towards the über rich over the past two decades. Where is the greed coming from, and why has Middle America vanished?

über rich space station
Walk-In Closet Prototype for The Closet Space Station

Most chalk it up to just that — greed; however, according to a secret manifesto recently found in the document chamber of an ultra-secret society known as “The Closet,” the money is being hoarded and used to build a second space station whose sole purpose is to house the fortunate members of the society once the real Apocalypse is upon us. (A date no one is now sure of, since the Mayans let us down.)

The manifesto was found by a private undercover investigator who infiltrated The Closet, as a supposed multi-billionaire from Greece. Gaining confidence by flashing money wherever he went and buying several Maseratis in various colors last year, the spy became a member of the inner circle and quickly gained access to documents only the very privileged of the privileged were privy to.

Not much is known about this PI; however, it is deemed possible that he was hired by another member of The Closet who was not a member of the inner circle, and who needed the information to find out where to go, once the Apocalypse was upon us.

Known only as Mr. G, the billionaire has admitted that money is changing hands faster and faster among the über rich to finance this project. But so far, no plans have emerged as to when the space station will be finished, what it will look like, and more importantly, how large each billionaire’s space on said station will be.

It has been reported that private companies interested in taking over NASA space stations are already on the scene trying to solve this problem. While Americans are being told that the recent satellite launchings from Cape Canaveral are being funded by other countries to beef up their telecommunications businesses, the truth may be hidden within The Closet’s secret manifesto. More space for the billionaires.

“If I don’t get at least 4,000 sq. ft. for me and my immediate heirs, the deal is off,” according to Mr. G, who spoke on the condition that his statement would not be made public, which, of course, is now another problem The Closet must face. 4,000 sq. ft. per billionaire would make it impossible for the builders, unless there is more money to fund the project.

That is where the wealth of the world comes in. By taking as much as they can through corporate holdings and jimmying the “market,” it might just be possible to pull off the square footage needed to keep the billionaires happy, as long as not too many more self-made billionaires pop onto the scene in the next few years. Which is highly possible, due to the lax governmental controls allowing such rapacity to continue.

Rumors are circulating that huge amounts of money are being systematically withdrawn from offshore holding accounts, which, according to reports, are at an all-time high of over 1.5 trillion dollars — more than enough to build a few 4,000 sq. ft. condos in space.

According to the secret plans, the only other big issue holding up the project is how to get billionaires to eat MRE’s (meals ready to eat) once aboard the space station. Evidently, caviar does not reconstitute well.

P. Beckert