Résumé of a Recent College Grad

Or, Why Didn’t I Listen to my Parents and NOT Major in Liberal Arts?


Highlights of Qualifications:
·    A liberal arts degree from a private elite college, setting my parents back 250,000 bucks
·    Four years living in a bubble on a campus paradise brimming with history, intellectual vibrancy, sweeping lawns, and woodland paths where the hipsters go to get stoned
·    Majored in Liberal Arts, ranked #5 on Forbes “The 10 Worst College Majors List”
·    Keen ability to talk to clients about art, music, literature—which they know and care less about than Honey Boo Boo
·    Multi-tasker: can text, Tweet, update FB status, pee, and write a paper at the same time
·    Highly proficient in college drinking games with comprehensive knowledge of mixology for Brass Monkeys and Boilermakers, instrumental for surviving sales incentive meetings.

Liberal Arts College Too Elite to Divulge, somewhere in middle of nowhere in the Northeast, with less than a 15% admissions rate
B.A., Liberal Arts, June 2013 (What was I thinking? Can I still get into the plumbers’ union?)
G.P.A.: too mediocre to mention (see above, regarding drinking games)
Leadership Activities: embarrassingly none
Varsity Sports: not even Ultimate Frisbee
Community Service: questionable, unless you count buying tequila for underage underclassmen who couldn’t afford fake ID’s
Awards: Achieved campus record for sleeping the most number of hours: 18.5 straight (from 4AM Saturday to 10:30PM—bummed that the dining hall had closed for the night)

Work Experience:
Post College Regression In The Post Recession, May 2013-Present
Position Title: Emerging Adult
·    No choice but to move back home with parents after graduation.
·    Free rent and three meals a day in exchange for making my bed, doing laundry, limiting FB stalking to one hour daily (severe hardship), and e-mailing at least five résumés a day.
Nepotism LLC, Summer 2012
Glorified Slave for Daddy’s Privately-Owned Business
·    Filing, typing, and other tasks way beneath my intellectual capacities.
·    Oh yeah, did some basic social media stuff to promote Daddy’s business. Welcome to the 21st century, Dad!
·    Daddy said I can say anything I want about this “position,” even little white lies if it’ll help me get a real job. Here’s the truth: work is tedious and exhausting. Prefer a job that starts after noon.
·    Skills gained: marketing, business analysis, getting to work on time whenever Daddy gave me a lift, limiting arguments with Dad to one a day.
Camp Privilege / Take a Rich Kid to the Country USA, Summer 2011
Assistant Counselor
·    Could not find a prestigious or even a disreputable internship because it was the Great Recession (not my fault, folks, I was born into this mess)
·    Which is why I followed whining five-year-olds around all day, wiped their noses, tears and butts, did not make fun of their gluten free lunches, and managed not to lose any of them on our trip to the Bronx Zoo in the heat wave of the century.
·    The tips were good, though. I won’t say how much exactly because I didn’t report them to the IRS. Daddy’s advice.
Previous Black Market Employment, Summer 2010
Babysitter and Dog Walker
·    Even once took care of a gecko when the family was on vacation! Skills gained: didn’t contract salmonella.
·    Isn’t it thought-provoking how people pay more to take care of their pets than their children? (Put that on the syllabus for Sociology 200)
·    Ironic that an 18-year-old can make 20 bucks an hour cash, when today’s English majors face the prospect of making $12.50 an hour, minus Social Security, to work in publishing, if it still exists by the time we graduate.
·    This type of fiscal pondering positions me for a job in economics, a field less precise than philosophy, which, did I mention, was my minor? (#4 on the Forbes Worst College Major list).
·    Skills gained: negotiation, start-up ventures, agility walking three purebred dogs at one time without entangling their leashes.

Additional Skills & Training:
·    Fluent in textbook French, which is advantageous when ordering perfectly sautéed organ meats in a Rive Gauche bistro
·    Ability to use “ironic” and “disreputable” in a sentence in a clear, precise, pretentious way
·    One day barista training course, August 2013. Artery-clogging full fat or tasteless skim in your latté? Thank you for the tip, sir, which I will not declare to Uncle Sam.
·    Red Cross Babysitters’ Certificate, Eighth Grade

Other Achievements & Awards:
·    Only girl on my dorm floor who didn’t gain the freshman 15
·    No history of eating disorders
·    Completed marathon: re-read all seven volumes of Harry Potter in one sitting, except for bathroom breaks
·    Raised SAT scores 200 points by retaking them on Adderall
·    Won medals in gymnastics (third grade) and softball (middle school), but they gave a medal to everyone who showed up on Parents Day.
·    No debt…although indebted to my parents for life for their financial sacrifice on my behalf—which they remind me of every friggin chance they get. As in: “Don’t complain about taking out the garbage. Do you know how many college graduates would rather take out the garbage than pay back their student loans?”

Candy Schulman