Variant Classes Added at Covid House of Dance

Variant classes have been introduced to help customers at the Covid House of Dance to cope with the ever-changing virus.

Variant Classes
Variant Classes added at Covid House of Dance. Image by michael_swan,

For over two years you’ve been dancing around germs, conspiracy theories and shots in arms. You’ve become accomplished hoofers, swatting away the novel virus like malaria mosquitos. And now BA.2 arrives, uninvited, even more contagious than Omicron. Worse, BA.262626999‰¾Ÿ§WTF is swooping onto our shores. This is not — and may never be — the time to relax your safety precautions! Shimmy and stay safe now and with all future variants in our new variant classes. Join us at the Covid House of Dance.

Social Distance Street Dance

We were proud to introduce the first SARS-CoV-2 dance in March 2020, when social distancing became social dancing. Agile mysophobiacs began zigzagging around everyone on the street. In our advanced beginner class, learn to simply sashay six feet from strangers, creating a wide path of right angles. This prepares you to steer clear of fatal airborne particles on the street without zagging into treacherous bike lanes. Class meets in Times Square and other collision course intersections around the country. Dress code: a tee shirt with the logo I Don’t Covid.

Spice It Up With Sanitizer Salsa

Salsa’s buoyant and so’s BA.2, dammit! 2022 is the time to Salsa your corazón out. Move your hips and face each other, but no need to touch. If you pachanga too close to your partner, the teacher will spray you with Purell. Make music with your feet and stamp out germs by burning the floor! Singles welcome. You might meet your dance partner for life here!

The Walk to Nowhere Playlist

Bored with yet another walk with no destination? Stave off Covid Groundhog Day Depression Syndrome by putting a flounce in our cozy air-filtrated studio. Groove to sample playlists: “Don’t Stop Believin’ (in the Fourth Booster Shot),” “I’m Yours (and So Is My Virus),” “I’m Still Here (Even Though You’re Not),” “Let’s Stay Together (Quarantining In Separate Rooms),” “No Time to Die (If You Stock Up on Paxlovid).

Twisting the Nightmare Away

Inhaling bleach, consuming cow urine, and injecting disinfectants became a tragic joke. So 80-year-old Chubby Checker re-emerged to conduct our new MasterClass “Twisting the Covid Away.” Monoclonal antibody smoothies will be served afterwards. Watusi your waist away! Audition required. Direct self tapes to the attention of our surly receptionist whose film career was derailed by the pandemic.

Do the Cyclist Locomotion

Home deliveries clogged our quiet lockdown streets. E-bikes have become more threatening than long Covid. Pedestrians must cautiously look both ways on one-way street crossings or risk their lives. Our HIT workouts prepare you to swerve away from 73.5% of fatal bike encounters. Learn to hip hop into a sprint every time a lawless Door Dasher nearly runs you over. More death-defying than hang gliding and less mind-numbing than Zumba. Class levels from Beginner to Advanced and everything in between including the rhythmically-challenged and flat-footed.

The Monster Mask

Our most vulnerable elders remember 1962’s “Monster Mash” more clearly than what they ate for breakfast. Do the Mask is still a “graveyard smash.” Drac’s emerged from his coffin donning two N95s and a Hazmat suit. The Prince of Darkness resurrects the Transylvania Twist. Moonwalk, or two step as long as you’re triple masked. And when you get to the ER door, tell ’em Fauci sent you.

Saturday Night Feverish

Saturday Night Fever has morphed into Fever Eight Days a Week. Invite your friends. Don a polyester white suit. Point your index finger to the disco ball in our Studio B ceiling. Belt out “Stayin’ Alive.” Pelvic thrust in a feverish pitch until mercury spews out of your digital thermometer.

The PCR Testing Hustle

Learn to do the hustle from CVS to Urgent Care. You’ll flit like a bee between outdoor vans, and bubble tents. It’s survival of the fittest who can snag those elusive rapid home tests when the surge hits. Dress warmly and wear running shoes. Fun fact: President Biden borrowed this dance’s only phrase “ooh, do it!” His PSA begged anti-vaxxers with no sense of science or sanity to ooh do it already in your fuckin’ arms, you gun-lovin’ cowboys. Their reward: a gift card of their favorite fast food joint. If Covid doesn’t kill you, Chick-fil-A will.SOLO

Belly Dancing (Livestream Only)

Dance buck naked in your lonely studio walk-up hovel as if no one’s watching. No one is. Except Big Brother. And Facebook A.I. Your news feed will soon be filled with two-for-one belly dancing hip scarfs. What else do you have to do than shop online?

The Time Warp

Covid takes its toll. Let’s not do the time warp again. The year 2020 has turned into a trilogy. Stay tuned. Rumor is the CDC will soon announce that dancing prevents Covid, after running out of all other theories.

Candy Schulman