The “War on COVID,” as opposed to simply resisting it, has been officially launched, and could involve tiny soldiers.
President Joe Biden declared a “War on COVID” earlier today, at an over-crowded press conference, sprinkled with members of Congress, all wearing their COVID masks under the nose.
“The best way to fight this dreadful disease,” Biden announced, “Is to get everyone back out in public, working in small office spaces, interacting in restaurants and gyms, sharing crowded subways, trams, and buses and taking taxis and Ubers with strangers who do not know if they have it or not. Trust me, risking your life for economic growth, and so I can go up in the polls, is the worthiest of causes.”
Then, with a red gleam in his eye, his voice got deeper… “I saved you from Trump. Now you must sacrifice your first-born children! It is the only way to preserve the good, and the Capitaliss…sss…sss…a-hem… Democratic Way!”
He also announced a new vaccine, which will consist of shrinking military personnel and vehicles to minuscule proportions, which will then be directly injected into every American’s bloodstream. “Unlike our own government, this procedure will unseat this horrible circular dictator with the protruding, red, fuzzy thingies.” Suddenly whipping his hand behind his back, and nearly shattering his Bloomberg L.P. coffee mug, he added, “Why would I lie?”
Later on in the day, COVID had its own press conference to thank the government and people of America for being so welcoming.
“We can’t believe how hospitable everyone has been. Every time we think we’re out, you pull us back in. In fact, you have been so much more generous than any other nation, that we’re thinking of staying on for another three years.
“Our little ones are getting an excellent education,” COVID went on, “and those people in the big, red hats, carry us everywhere, free of charge, including to those all-you-can-infect buffets, which I believe they call rallies. We can hardly keep up with all the wonderful opportunities, here in this great country of yours…it’s almost as if you’re entire population were expendable? Sorry about the killing though. No hard feelings, eh?”
A study conducted by Darwin Research Labs, found that Americans who persist in the notion that COVID isn’t real, will eventually lose the use of their thumbs.