[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

BREAKING: Supreme Court Leak Caused by Brett Kavanaugh

In yet another strange abandoned laptop incident, it was revealed that the infamous Supreme Court leak was Brett Kavanaugh’s fault.

Associate Justice Brett Kavanaugh accidentally leaked the explosive draft of a Supreme Court decision that would end the Constitutional right to abortion, an investigation by Fox News revealed. Liberals pounced on the report to show they were not to blame for the Supreme Court leak, which immediately caused a political uproar. But the leading cable news network later tonight released more details that turned the story back on Democrats.

Supreme Court Leak, Brett Kavanaugh by DonkeyHotey
Brett Kavanaugh caricature by DonkeyHotey, flickr.com.

“Brett pulled over at a rest stop to relieve himself after he drank several beers on his way home from the Supreme Court,” the fair and balanced network reported. The investigation also documented that a plainclothes private eye hired by Hillary Clinton sat in wait for Kavanaugh at a local bar the justice is known to frequent. “The private eye talked it up with Brett, and bought him a few rounds too many.”

The friendly conversation and drinks set the stage for what happened next. “Brett left the bar, but nature called. He meant well when he entered the rest room with his laptop, which contained the draft opinion that would take away the right to abortion in America,” Fox News claimed. “Kavanaugh had to go, and he did not want to leave his laptop in his car.” The report continued, “That’s why he took the digital evidence into the restroom where, unfortunately, he left it after he took care of business.”

Fox News concluded, “Aware that Kavanaugh was vulnerable, the private eye followed him, entered the rest room when the justice left, and scooped up the laptop, which was rushed to national Democrats waiting to pounce.”

A Democratic operative who was privy to what the private eye put in his written report provided information that Fox did not broadcast. According to the source, “Justice Kavanaugh travels to his home every night with a Secret Service detail following him in an unmarked car. But Kavanaugh hit the gas on his car to elude his guardians. He wanted to drink in peace, without prying eyes watching his every move.” Noted the source, “Biden Administration officials were briefed, and told detail members to get off Kavanaugh’s tail less it lead to an accident that would be blamed on Democrats.”

But a political expert quoted by Fox News nevertheless condemned liberals and Democrats for what happened. “They keep going after rightwing Americans who honestly disagree with them,” the expert said. “Hillary can’t get over her loss to Donald Trump in 2016,” the expert added, noting, “She will stop at nothing to upend our drive for a conservative, male, white, Christian domination of the United States.”

A liberal political observer who once worked for Clinton offered a different perspective. The transgender former aide tried vainly to insist that Republicans and the lapdog rightwing media got what they deserved.

“Conservatives made a big deal when Hunter Biden left a laptop at a repair shop. Now the digital shoe is on the other foot, and they don’t like it. They want to end democracy as we know it, take away our right to abortion, speed, and drink beer as liberally as they please.”

Clinton, who was cited by Fox News for being behind the “plot to abort the destruction of abortion rights,” was at a wine-tasting festival in California. Her designated driver said Clinton would have to study the report before commenting.

Steve Schneider