[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Speaker of the House Boehner Replaced with Bellyacher of the House Cruz

Boehner hands gavel to “man behind the scenes”

Today, on Face the Nation with Cindy Crowley, John Boehner announced that he was giving up his gavel to Ted Cruz. Boehner says that Cruz has been running the show for a while now behind the scenes and is accomplishing much more than he has, so “why not?”

Speaker of the House Boehner and Bellyacher of the House Cruz“Besides, I’ve been missing getting outdoors and playing golf before the weather turns cold,” said Boehner, not realizing the irony in that last figurative statement as it applies to the present fight on Capitol Hill.

“Thank Goodness, Ted (Cruz) has agreed to take things over,” continued Speaker Boehner.

Boehner, not usually known for his sense of humor, even gave Cruz a new name, replacing Speaker of the House with Bellyacher of the House.

“It is much more appropriate in Representative Cruz’ case,” said Boehner. “I mean, you can’t deny the fact that he has complained more than any Representative we’ve had in office in recent memory, besides maybe Michele Bachmann.”

When asked why Boehner didn’t hand the gavel over to Bachmann, then, due to her seniority, Boehner replied, “Because she only whines to the media. It is almost impossible to get her to speak on the floor, partially because she was raised that women have their place, and they don’t speak down to men, be they members of her own party or Democrats, and mainly because she knows we think she’s batshit crazy.”

Asked what Boehner’s thoughts are on exactly why Ted Cruz has decided to hold the country’s economy hostage over his fight on Obamacare, Boehner, once again showing his typical equivocation on the issues, replied, “Oh is that what this is about? I thought it was just an ego thing. My bad.”