“Republican Health Care Plan”: Oxymoron?
The Republican Party, after years of doing nothing but bash President Obama’s Health Care Act, have at last introduced a health care plan of their own. Pooling their vast knowledge of human caring with aid from their endless sources of think tanks they have come up with a master plan to help those who are poorer than themselves and do not have the Congressional Insurance of life that they do: They will fly anyone afflicted up to the polar regions of Alaska where they will get eaten by the polar bears there.
Yes, I know that sounds strange.
Let me explain:
The past traditions of the Inuit people of the Arctic Ocean… what? OK, you don’t know what Inuit is. Let me just call them “Eskimos” then, even though they will get pissed off at this and think I am just another honky, ignorant hack writer, which I actually am anyway, so why am I getting pissed off?
Anyway, in times past Eskimos, when their elders were too old and dying, would take them out into the wild and leave them to be eaten by the wildlife, which more times than not would be a polar bear. (Polar bears are the only animal that will track and stalk humans – true fact!) This was considered a cultural norm to them as survival in the far north was always a difficult thing and a dying person would only be a burden to the rest of the small Eskimo bands.
The Republicans, looking for a cheap way to get rid of…er…’deal’ with the many ill, infirm and imbecilic in our healthcare system have found this to be an ideal solution. “Why, the elderly and sick should be happy to serve our country by serving themselves to the wild beasts of the Arctic!” declared Senator Ted Cruz. “They will be doing our country a great favor, economically speaking that is! Why, they should be declared Patriots, much the same way the mujahedin in Afghanistan blow themselves up for the glory of their religion!”
Tea Partyers, however, unhappy with the expense of shipping the sickly all the way up to Alaska have been putting the squeeze on their fellow conservatives to find a cheaper way of soylent greening the invalid. They have suggesting perhaps just throwing them over the fence to polar bears already in American zoos or shipping some polar bears down to the lower 48 for some special snacks. “Why, the liberals should be happy at that!” quipped Cruz again. “”They keep squawking about this global warming bull and how it is killing the all-so-precious polar bear. Now we could bring them down here and save them! And they will be well fed to boot!”
BREAKING NEWS – The Tea Partyers and their comrades the Republican Party have come to an agreement to reduce precious shipping costs in their Healthcare Act by flying the soon to be eaten to Hudson Bay in Canada which is only a couple hours away by plane from the U.S. Hudson Bay has the lowest latitude population of polar bears in the world due to its lake effect. Both sides are happy now, not only for the landmark decision, but for their largely taxpayer paid insurance which saves their butts (they can get treated at military hospitals) from the same fate.