[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Spousal Rape: An Old Wives’ Tale

A Virginia state senator says spousal rape is not a crime, old wives chime in

Old wives from around the globe are chiming in on Virginia State Senator Richard “Dick” Black‘s assessment on rape in the marital bedroom. Black claims that spousal rape is not a punishable crime, due to the fact that the couple sleep together and well, dammit, the man is entitled to take what is his.

Spousal Rape: An Old Wives' TaleMarilyn Notsfast, an old housewife from Roanoke, VA, gave her reasons why she says Black is right.

It must be understood that for years, Notsfast’s neighbors have thought the kindly old widow a pleasure to be around but not that bright. But as her story unfolds, we can see the woman is, to quote George W. Bush, sorely mis-underestimated.

“Hell, us old wives made up that tale about going to jail for rape to scare our husbands off’n our sorry, beat up bodies because we’d had enough of their whining about not getting enough,” she said.

“Truth be told, the only reason we put out in the first place is to get some bread and egg money ev’ry Friday night on paydays,” she acknowledged.

But Notsfast, a self-proclaimed ‘divorced’ widow going on eight years now said her then husband Harvey, was a hard one to please.

“He was a sly one, that Harvey,” said Marilyn.

“He caught on real fast that I didn’t have that many headaches, and when his dry-humping the pillows next to me didn’t get my attention, he’d just start taking, as Harvey crowed to his poker buddies, what was rightfully his.”

Marilyn said he took his share one too many times, and she said he also took a few things from her that she wasn’t willing to give, “namely my self-esteem, my love for love-making, and most of all, my reason for living,” said the 68-year old Notsfast.

“…and that’s when he got a nighttime cock-tail that helped him sleep real good.”

Notsfast isn’t afraid to tell her tale now that Dick Black has told his.

“I ain’t afraid to tell you what happened that night when I snapped, and I’ll tell you why,” she said.

“Two reasons. First of all, he had it coming to him for many a year, and like I said to the po-lice when they asked me if I had anything to do with his death. I told them, ‘nope. He dun it all to hisself.'”

P. Beckert