[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Sarah Palin’s Heritage Linked Back to Salem Witch Trial Era

“I believe there are demons among us that wish to destroy us.” – Sarah Palin

A reading of parts of a manuscript dated to 1692 has been found to contain the surname Ward. This name, when researched, may suggest that Henrietta McAutrey, nee Ward, is a thrice-removed cousin of our own Sarah Palin.

Sarah Palin, Salem Witch TrialYou may think that Henrietta Ward was one of the accused witches prosecuted during the Salem Witch Trials, given who she may be related to. However, Ms. Ward was actually a cousin herself of Cotton Mather, one of the foremost proponents of evil spirits dwelling the in the bodies of hapless women during the era of witch hysteria that gripped small towns in Massachusetts.

Can any of this be proven? According to historian, Johanna Watson (herself a direct descendant of the infamous Dr. John Watson), the answer is no.

“The trail linking Ward directly to Palin is sketchy at best,” answered Ms. Watson.

When asked then why she was tracing Sarah Palin’s roots in the first place, Ms. Watson said it was something Palin said during her bid as Vice-President that struck her odd.

“Ms. Palin, in a coffee shop somewhere, said ‘yes, of course, I believe there are demons among us that wish to destroy us,’ and I thought it odd that she would speak in such a way. Almost as if she were channeling a 16th Century witch hunter,” said the amateur historian.

Ms. Watson said that one statement started her on a journey to trace Sarah Palin’s roots, and she has never looked back. She says some of her research has led her to believe Palin’s ancestry linked her to either the Salem Witch Trials, or to Popcorn Sutton, one of the most famous moonshiners in American history, but she wasn’t certain which.

“It’s a tossup between Cotton and Popcorn,” said Watson.

“I presume we will find our answer shortly, and when we do, we will report the findings at once,” she said, politely ending the interview.

P. Beckert