[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Mysterious Oracle Predicts Ugly Future for the Wealthy

Now may not be the best time to win the lottery or inherit money from wealthy relatives

Now may not be the best time to win the Mega Lottery or come into an inheritance from your wealthy relatives, according to a new young Oracle who has mysteriously appeared in Sedona, Arizona, and has begun predicting the future. And don’t even think about striking it rich on Wall Street.

Oracle Predicts Ugly Future for WealthyScaramantha, who appears to be of eastern Indian descent, has taken a spot atop a well-known vortex on a red rock butte overlooking Sedona, Arizona, and has begun speaking in Iambic Pentameter. Because of this, she cannot be fully questioned about where she came from or what she is doing so far from home. Her answers thus far have been shrouded in mystique.

People who have come to see her can only say that her predictions for the future are scarier than hell, at least their interpretations of her predictions are. For instance, those visiting one morning last month, heard her utter a prophesy directed toward the wealthy. Many fell to the ground in anguish as she spoke these words,

“Not so much as a penny will befall the laden ox, as your possessions you’ll carry in a box.”

One woman, Marie Claire, claims this prediction was particularly troubling for her as her rich Aunt Marie, after which she was named, lay ill in a hospital bed. Upon her death, Ms. Claire stood to inherit more than $3.5 million dollars.

“I don’t want the money,” Ms. Claire began chanting at the foot of the Oracle. “I don’t want to be wealthy.” But, when questioned further, outside the range of the Oracle, Ms. Claire admitted that she already had the money spent in her mind.

“Sure, I’m gonna take the inheritance. Are you kidding me? I was just, you know, covering all my bases.”

Most people have heard about the Oracle of Delphi, who existed many centuries ago in Greece, but no one person since has come close in comparison to that phenomenon, until now.

Scaramantha, or Scary Sherry, as the locals have begun calling her, is anything but scary looking. In fact, she is a beautiful young woman who appears to be around the age of 20-22, has flowing black hair, and a pierced nose. Local men like to speculate she has more piercings that are unseen, but the one piercing is all that is visible to the public.

But beware, Scaramantha knows all and sees all, according to anyone who has come within close range of her. One man uttered his fantasies about her while visiting with his buddies after a night of drinking, and was found face down in a puddle of sausage gravy and biscuits at the local diner. He was pronounced dead at the scene. Since then, no one even speaks her name out loud, let alone fantasize about her.

Investigators of the paranormal have begun to show up at the site where Scaramantha sits, to determine if she is the real deal. However, her ability to spot the skeptics is uncanny.

According to one woman, who agreed to talk to reporters anonymously, a group of paranormal experts showed up at the site only to find that all their equipment to film and record the prophesies suddenly stopped working for no reason, and they were left to record the event with nothing more than a pen and paper. Unfortunately, they had neither, and were forced to return home empty handed.

Like Oracles of earlier times, Scaramantha will most likely not be taken seriously, and for that reason, people believe she will eventually give up and go home.

As one local put it, “You’ve seen one doomsday prophet, you’ve seen them all. This one just happens to be a little easier on the eyes.”

P. Beckert