Ukraine: Putin Sets Guinness Record for Quickest Change of Face

Vlad the Cad had just shown the world the friendly side of Russia with the Olympics. Then came Ukraine.

Vladimir (the Vampire ) Putin, still glowing from the success of the Winter Olympic Games in Sochi, Russia, has suddenly shown his darker side of the Force by invading and taking over the Crimea, a vital peninsula of his supposed ally Ukraine.

Austin Putin and UkraineVlad the Cad had impressively shown to the world the creative and supposedly world-friendly side of Russia in the huge spectacle of the 2014 Olympics. They had spent 50 billion dollars to convince the world that they were part of the team that made the planet run and that Uncle Putin was really just a big Teddy bear of a guy and not the ice veined, ‘don’t even think about trying to go outside of the box’ type of man that the rest of the world perceives him as being.

Unfortunately for him, a few scant days after the ending of the Olympics there came reason for him to discard that mask for one truer to his nature. Events in the former Soviet Republic of Ukraine were going against his wishes. Russia wanted to keep its former puppet in its economic sphere, but many there were being drawn towards joining the European Union instead (why the country couldn’t just barter with both sides has never been made apparent).

When the countries President, Viktor Yanukovich , decided to go with his old handlers, the Russians, people went ballistic. Huge protests ensued with participants having the moxie to block the nation’s capital building. Yanukovich knew that his lavish lifestyle and his buddy ties with Putin were in danger from this cheeky display of rebellion. In response, Viktor Yanukovich ordered the army and police to turn the screws on the protestors, resulting in beatings of people at the rallies and the placing of snipers on rooftops that altogether killed over 80 people.

The people had had enough however, and showed their true mettle by allegedly capturing a rooftop sniper themselves and taking a number of surrendering policemen prisoners (They could show the Tea baggers of this country a thing or two about having a real patriotic spirit). Finally, President Yanukovich split the country out of fear of his life and hordes of money and was found later to be, surprise, surprise!, in the embracing arms of his comrades in Russia.

Putin then sent troops in to control the two major airports of the Crimea which has a majority Russian populace and has Navy bases, thus providing a channel through which they could funnel the troops they need to take over control of this valuable peninsula.

Watching this, the brains at Guinness book of World records went to their study chambers and found that Putin had just set the record for Quickest Political Face Turnaround in history, beating out even Hitler’s turning on his ally Russia during World War II.

Contacting Putin about his world record, they informed him of his historical benchmark. The response was something incredibly foul in Russian that burned the ears of the Guinness translator as they listened to him followed by the sound of Putin slamming down the phone.

Guinness will keep the trophy on display at one of their museums in case Putin should one day change his mind and want it after all.