Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.
Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
For fun, nobody tell Biden.
Officials: Fence jumper made it into East Room of White House
Meaning he got closer to the Oval Office than Mitt Romney.
California Governor signs law banning old plastic bags
Luckily, Joan Rivers was buried before the ban took affect.
Michael Phelps arrested for DUI
Apparently, swimming isn’t the only thing he does like a fish.
USA Today: First weekend in 50 years America with no Saturday morning cartoons
Apparently, they haven’t watched FOX News, CNN and MSNBC.
Kim Kardashian shows her famous butt
As opposed to her famous ass… Kanye.
Watch protesters tear down a massive Lenin statue in Ukraine
Calm down Beatle fans, that’s Lenin not Lennon.
Former Haitian Dictator ‘Baby Doc’ dies
Condolences were sent by Baby Sleepy, Baby Dopey, Baby Bashful, Baby Grumpy, Baby Sneezy and Baby Happy.
Brad and Angelina miss Clooney wedding
Sadly, the only people that will babysit that many kids on short notice is Boko Haram.
Jennifer Lopez hit by drunk driver, uploads selfie to express anguish
Thank god for her rear bumpers.
Clintons “so happy” about granddaughter Charlotte
With a name like ‘Charlotte’ looks like they think North Carolina’s in play in 2016.
FOX News applauds W. for his handling of Iraq
Good thing Jeffrey Dahmer’s dead, or they’d be praising his use of paprika.