Why I’m Not Going on the Lena Dunham Circus Book Tour

I won’t be an opening act for Lena Dunham’s new book tour. Here’s why.

  • Lena DunhamI’m not that kind of girl.
  • I hate taking off my clothes in public.
  • “You shall not etch a tattoo on yourselves.” –Leviticus 19:28
  • That narcissistic cheapskate got ramrodded into compensating opening acts.
  • That biotch stole my idea for Girls, and I’m contemplating suing her.
  • I hate Lena Dunham for being so young, successful and filthy rich.
  • Actually, I loathe her and have such frightening revenge fantasies I had to double my dose of Xanax.
  • My boss said, “I don’t give a shit about this Dumbell whoever-she-is, but don’t count on your job being here when you get back.”
  • I’m way behind on efforts to become Instafamous.
  • My OCD flared up.
  • I’m over thirty.
  • I’m secretly sleeping with Adam Driver.
  • She didn’t ask me.