I won’t be an opening act for Lena Dunham’s new book tour. Here’s why.
- I’m not that kind of girl.
- I hate taking off my clothes in public.
- “You shall not etch a tattoo on yourselves.” –Leviticus 19:28
- That narcissistic cheapskate got ramrodded into compensating opening acts.
- That biotch stole my idea for Girls, and I’m contemplating suing her.
- I hate Lena Dunham for being so young, successful and filthy rich.
- Actually, I loathe her and have such frightening revenge fantasies I had to double my dose of Xanax.
- My boss said, “I don’t give a shit about this Dumbell whoever-she-is, but don’t count on your job being here when you get back.”
- I’m way behind on efforts to become Instafamous.
- My OCD flared up.
- I’m over thirty.
- I’m secretly sleeping with Adam Driver.
- She didn’t ask me.
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Candy Schulman is a nationally recognized writer, professor and college essay coach. She has published hundreds of personal essays, humor pieces, and articles in leading print and online publications.
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