The Gifts They Should’ve Gotten

Will Dur$t’$ Belated 2014 Xma$ Gift Wi$h Li$t

Hey guys. Did this whole crazy holy daze madcap bedlam thing sneak up on you this year, making the world speed up like a maglev Bullet Train going downhill lit by a strobe, like it did us? There’s a perfectly reasonable explanation.

In 2014, Thanksgiving fell on November 27th: making it a mere 28 days between the Turkey and the Tree. Next year the gap grows by a day; then two days for leap year, until way way in the future, Year of Our Lord 2018, we’re talking maximum separation: 33 days. And you can bet those extra 5 days will seem a blessed eternity, especially to our poor bedraggled brothers and sisters employed in the online retail industry. Let the drone- ducking commence.

So while we salute all you incredibly stalwart consumers for navigating Demolition Derby parking lots in the honorable quest of sinking heavily into debt to celebrate the birth of that Jewish hippie kid, let us also take this time to offer up to the least deserving of us, our annual scathingly incisive yet perennially trenchant, WILL DUR$T’$ 2014 XMA$ GIFT WI$H LI$T. These are the presents that folks presumably did not receive wrapped in brightly colored packages under dangerously parched fir trees, but most certainly deserved.

For Barack Obama: A Kevlar bubble, as he will now be taking shots from many vantages.

For CNN: Something to talk about other than ISIS and Ebola. And not ISIS infected with Ebola.

For Alec Baldwin: An unlimited refillable prescription for Xanax in a carrying case suitable for travel.

For Democrats in Congress: Scuba gear until they learn to grow gills for breathing underwater.

For Republicans in Congress: Enough rope to tie up Obama’s agenda for 2 years, but not enough to hang themselves with.

For Ted Cruz: A money order in the exact amount of a one- way ticket on the clue train.

For Harry Reid: A big old Lazy- Boy recliner so at least he can be comfortable doing nothing.

For Fox News: Hard evidence that the credit card used to pay for the rental car that took terrorists to the American Embassy in Benghazi has been traced to a shell corporation whose CEO is Hillary Clinton’s chief of staff.

For Malaysian Airlines: A name change.

For Jeb Bush: A name change.

For Mitch McConnell: An oilcan.

For Elizabeth Warren: A lingering bug to hit Hillary Clinton clearing the Democratic field for 2016.

For Joe Biden: A lingering bug to hit Hillary Clinton and Elizabeth Warren clearing the Democratic field for 2016.

For Kentucky Senator Rand Paul: More Republicans to support his run for the Presidency and less Democrats.

For Speaker of the House John Boehner: A gift certificate good for one surgical procedure to remove that unsightly Tea Party growth clinging to his back.

For Medical Science to study: Dick Cheney’s heart. George Bush’s brain. And Barack Obama’s leadership skills.

For Scott Brown: Cheap property in either Vermont or Maine. Or both.

For Shia LaBoeuf: A muzzle. Permanent. Steel. Welded with titanium rivets.

For Brad Keselowski: A sponsorship deal with UFC.

For Miley Cyrus: A sponsorship deal with any designer who can provide actual clothes.

For Bill Cosby: Harry Potter’s invisibility cloak.

For Fidel Castro: A tricked out 2015 Ford F-150 to replace that 59 Chevy.

Will Durst
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