[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

99 Problems But a B#tch Ain’t One

Rumpled Foreskin, the novelist and short story writer, has just released a new book called The Jewish Man: Cynicism and Pessimism. The winner of the Pulitzer Prize in 2001 for Circumcised: 20% Off sheds some light on the mind-set of an average Jewish male.

“So much in life concerns us, from the temperatures at which our food is served to our obsession with Adam Sandler. Life is an uphill battle,” writes Foreskin.

angel gabrielPage 6 sees the author explain how the Jewish people have had it tough from the very beginning of life:

My father used to tell me the following short story.

On the sixth day God turned to the angel Gabriel and said, “Today I am going to create a land called Israel. It will be a land of nothing but natural beauty, one with rolling hills and mountains full of wildlife, goats and eagles, clear oceans and high cliffs overlooking pristine sandy beaches.” Perplexed, Gabriel asked, “Don’t you think you’re being a little too generous to the Jewish people?” “Not at all, just wait until you see the neighbors I give them,” replied God. — You see, we have always had a reason to be pessimistic.

An entertaining but deeply negative portrayal of the Jewish man, Foreskin continues:

We are not all terrible dancers, that is a mere stereotype, however, our worldview seriously reflects that of Larry David’s, and we do love to reminisce about summer camp. More often than not, undoubtedly, our stories will be significantly less entertaining than the tone in which they are narrated.

Refusing to hold back, Foreskin rants:

There is no in between, no room for a ‘Switzerland’ type stance, we like our sandwiches either obnoxiously dry or nauseatingly damp, take it or leave it, sister. A history of oppression is to blame.

On the final page, rather frankly, Rumple concludes:

Yes, we have a strange obsession with diners and a Freudian type relationship with our moms, but there is a very real reason our counterparts are called Jewish American Princesses. We know how to treat a girl. But, please note, if mom says No, you’ve got to go.