Crazy Ted Cruz

Ted Cruz: First sighting of a red nose popping out of the presidential wannabe clown car.

Winter is over! Winter is over! Excuse the jubilation, but we ink-stained wretches love the ritual excitement that occurs every spring. This spring is extra exciting, because it comes with our big quadrennial first sighting of a red nose popping out of the presidential wannabe clown car.

This seasonal harbinger is Ted Cruz, who announced his candidacy for the highest office of the land. Throwing his 10-gallon hat into the ring at Liberty University, Cruz spoke to an assembly of students whose attendance was required. Mandatory attendance at Liberty University. Sounds like definition of the word “freedom” is fairly fluid for the matriculators of the Jerry Falwell founded University.

As a metaphor though, it’s perfect for Crazy Cruzy’s candidateship. Rafael Edward Cruz is “The Contradiction Man.” The Canadian-born senator of Cuban ancestry is virulently anti-immigrant and an elected representative who hates compromise. A politician who brags of shutting down the government.

He’s a graduate of Princeton and Harvard Law and a Dominionist who surfs the crest of his constituency’s ignorance. As demonstrated by Ted Cruz’ 21-hour filibuster in September, 2013, which included the reading of Dr. Seuss’s “Green Eggs and Ham” on the floor of the Senate. And then in front of the whole country he proceeded to misinterpret the moral of a book aimed at kindergartners.

Recently, Cruz compared himself to Galileo, claiming to be similarly attacked for his belief that global warming doesn’t exist. And it’s an apt comparison. Except Galileo was a scientist refuting the teachings of the Church, and Ted Cruz is a religious man denying the teachings of science. Other than that — spot on.

Cruz also mentioned Galileo was attacked by “Flat Earthers,” but that issue was settled 1,800 years earlier. Galileo was persecuted for positing the earth revolved around the sun, an opinion that landed him in prison for 10 years. Perhaps fate plans on extending Mr. Cruz’s analogy.

It’s odd that the 100 percent Tea Party approved junior senator from Texas adopted the 16th century astronomer as his soul mate, since he doesn’t believe in climate change, evolution or in very much science at all. Wouldn’t be surprised to see him spearhead a movement to repeal the law of gravity.

This former editor of the Harvard Law Review offered up as proof that global warming is a myth the fact that it snowed in New Hampshire this year, which is like saying there is no sin in Las Vegas because Mother Teresa once flew over it on a flight back home to India.

Later, Cruz railed in a Twitter post that the federal government has no business in education and he would repeal every word of Common Core. But Common Core is a set of standards agreed to by 43 states, not a federal program. So he’s attacking a bill that doesn’t actually exist. Ted Cruz: avowed enemy of imaginary legislation everywhere.

But if the heavens are to align for the chairman of the Science, Space and Competitiveness Senate Subcommittee, some dark clouds will need to be dealt with. Congressman Peter King (R-NY) called him a joke and a carnival barker, and since Donald Trump is seriously (hah) considering another Oval Office run, it is assumed he will demand to see a birth certificate. The hell with that, someone dig up the results from his most recent psych exam.

Will Durst
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