Presenting a new screenplay for your consideration as the next hit TV show.
By George R.R. Bizet
(Screenplay Program Notes for Husbands Who Would Rather Be Home Watching Game of Thrones.)
Act I: In a town square (imagine King’s Landing) crowds of people mill about (picture peasants mingling with Black Brothers and the Unsullied). A woman enters (envision Sansa Stark) to inquire about her love (Joffrey Baratheon? No, she prefers Loras Tyrell). The soldiers (Night’s Watch) try to convince her to stay with them (though, given their vows of celibacy, they must be teasing); but a few growls from her direwolf Lady discourages their flirtation. She leaves, singing an aria to Arya (which includes a few stanzas for Sansa).
An attractive woman (imagine Cersei Lannister) emerges from the local tobacco factory and bursts into the famous aria “Habanera” (also known as “L’amour est un oiseau rebella” or “Love is like a bad case of rubella”). She tosses a flower, which is caught by a member of the King’s Guard (her brother Jaime), who is enchanted (hmm, not sure where this is going).
The Guard (Jaime) hides the flower when he sees the ungainly – and irritatingly self-righteous – Brienne of Tarth approaching, carrying a letter from Catelyn Stark begging Loras to marry Sansa. In a fit of pique Cersei smacks Brienne and a fight breaks out. Lieutenant Tyrion Lannister attempts to question his sister Cersei, but when she refuses to answer he orders Jaime to arrest her. On their way to prison Cersei persuades Jaime to let her escape by promising a nighttime rendezvous (definitely doesn’t seem right). Tyrion has Jaime arrested.
Act II: At Porche’s Motor Inn, Cersei and her friends, Mercedes and Fordfiesta, are socializing with several Kingsguard. Tyrion tells her that Jaime was released and – in a teasing manner used by brothers and sisters everywhere – says she’s a whore and her breasts are starting to sag. Cersei is about to retort with a typical sibling counterpunch (“and you’re the monster who killed our mother; I’m going to SO pinch your little penis”), when the renowned fighter Oberyn Martell (a.k.a. “the Red Viper”) enters. Singing the famous Toreador song, “Votre toast, je peux vos le rendre, sec ou avec beurre” (“Vote for toast, I can give it to you, dry or with butter”), Oberyn tries to entice Cersei, but she vows to wait for Jaime (getting creepy). Oberyn leaves with his entourage, followed by Tyrion.
The smuggler Davos Seaworth arrives with a bag of onions (Spanish, of course), missing several fingers. “How’s wiping yourself, Freak?” Cersei gently teases, before rejecting him. Jaime arrives, missing his entire right hand. Cersei dances for him seductively (gross), bidding him to come away (“là-bas, dans la montagne,” or “over there, to the Mountain”). Gregor Clegane appears, thinking he’s been summoned, then Tyrion returns, missing most of his nose. Tyrion and Jaime argue over who’s suffered more abuse from their father. Oberyn reappears, holding his banderilleros, and everyone immediately hides their nose and hands. The Horn of Joramun blows, reminding all that Winter is Coming and it’s time to put on snow tires.
Act III: Cersei and Jaime quarrel over whether Tyrion killed their son Joffrey, or their father Tywin, or both. She says she no longer loves him and he should go home to his mother. This so irritates him (it’s THEIR mother, and she’s been dead years) that, like good siblings everywhere (who are also lovers), he rapes her. These zany Lannisters!
Meanwhile, Lady Melisandre, a.k.a. “The Red Queen” (“Red” nicknames rule in Westeros), foretells a bad ending for Cersei and Jaime; things don’t look so hot for Eddard or Robb Stark, Robert or Renly Baratheon, Khal Drogo, Theon Greyjoy, or scores of others either. Sansa appears, seeking to flee King’s Landing. Jaime fires at an intruder who turns out to be Oberyn, who has come to get Cersei. Or is it Sansa? Whatever, the two men fight, but are pulled apart by Clegane. Oberyn invites Cersei to his upcoming dragon fight. Sansa begs Jaime to come home because his mother is dying (HER mother – the “Red Wedding”?) (is “Red” symbolic?); he remains confused, but warns Cersei they will meet again.
Act IV: Weeks later Cersei arrives at the arena in Astapor on the arms of the well-armed Oberyn, who is cheered by the crowds. Daenerys Targaryen appears and warns Cersei in Dothraki that nearby lurks an angry Jaime, plus hundreds of pissed off Good Masters. Unafraid, Cersei waits outside the arena. One-handed Jaime enters and begs her to run off with him (doomed parents be damned!). “How’s wiping yourself, Freak?” she gently teases, then tells him she loves Oberyn and throws away his previous gift, the One Ring, forged by Sauron (oops, wrong fantasy). “No problem, Sister-Whore,” he glibly retorts, then stabs her. As she lays dying, Oberyn fights in the arena where, just as it seems he vanquished his foe, Gregor Clegane, The Mountain crushes his face. Ouch. Someone sings a final song, probably praising Redness, or Disfigurement, and the curtains close until The Winds of Winter is finally released. If ever.