Ripping the Headlines Today, 4/12/15

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Steaks and seafood to be removed from food stamp use

And, go back to where they belong, as clothing items for Lady GaGa.

Robert De Nero is for Hillary Clinton as the next President

In bi-partisan spirit, I can’t wait to also not give a crap who Jon Voight’s for.

Large Hadron Collider restarts after two-year rebuild

Wouldn’t it have just been easier to pull the plug out and then put it right back in.

Barry Manilow is marrying his longtime boyfriend

Manilow’s gay? Who’s going to come out next? Anderson Cooper?

How Penn Gillette lost 105 pounds

He ditched Teller?

Rand Paul declares for U.S Presidency

In keeping with family tradition, his kids announced exploratory committees for losing campaigns in ’40, ’44.

Bill Clinton says he’ll take a back seat in Hillary’s campaign

The only question is: Whom will he be making out with in that back seat?

Khamenei accuses WH of ‘lying’ and ‘devilish’ intentions

Keep up that talk, Busta, and Boehner will invite you to speak to Congress.

Rand Paul’s website misspells education

Glad to know he hired Dan Quayle.

150 years ago this week the Civil War ended

Or, someday soon in Mississippi.

‘Rolling Stone’ retracts its U Va sexual assault story

What’s next? ‘Paperback Writer’ wasn’t the 66th all time best Beatle song?

Bill Gates sends letter commemorating Microsoft’s 40^th anniversary

People are already complaining, it’s not as good as his Microsoft39 letter.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)