Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to
The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.
Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:
Canadian marijuana companies smiling after election
Yup, Canada’s national flower is whole new kinda Maple Leaf.
Jeb Bush has a YouTube page
Mostly, because they don’t make a ‘GoingDownTheTubes’ page.
A recent study said pizza is as addictive as cocaine
Proving somebody needs a better cocaine dealer.
Does the crime rate spike on Halloween?
Not really sure, but just in case, I dressed up for Halloween as a Congressional jobs bill. That way I never had to leave the house.
Bernie Sanders explains self-description as ‘democratic socialist’
Or, maybe, it was Larry David, can anyone really tell the difference?
Study: Bacon causes cancer
Somehow, that just doesn’t seem kosher to me.
Face it: Ted Cruz won the Republican debate
Yeah, but didn’t Canada already have its election?
Ozzy Osbourne says it’s ‘the end’ of ‘Black Sabbath’
Actually, what he said was, ‘Gifbois Jiaba Hasahsback…’
Happy Birthday, Caitlyn Jenner
Ok, do we put 66 or 1 candle on that birthday cake?
Almond milk’s out – So which non-dairy alternatives should we be drinking?
‘Jack Daniels’ is really good when poured over some ‘Frosted Flakes.’ Or, so I’ve heard.
Jeb cuts campaign staffers pay 40%
Carly Fiorina told him she could get him a better deal by outsourcing those jobs to China.
Happy 70th birthday, Henry Winkler
Hope you got Mrs. C a good deal on that reverse mortgage.
Diabetics: Do this one thing before eating sugar
Uh, estate planning?
Germany about to start up a monster machine that could revolutionize way we use energy
That’s fine, I guess, unless they’re developing it with Italy and Japan.