Reworked format and new entrants featured at this evening’s Republican debate
Dateline: N.H., Feb.8, 2016
Hello everyone and welcome to the 37th presidential Republican debate sponsored by NotchTV, your source for all things frozen. I’m your moderator Wendell Wellsted, and in just three hours. Dixville Notch residents will cast the seminal votes in the nation’s first primary.
After the shocking results of last week’s Iowa caucuses, only 14 of the original 17 contenders for the Republican presidential nomination remain in the race – all of whom are on the Republican debate stage tonight, as stipulated by the rejiggered debate rules.
In addition, they are joined by two upstarts, who jumped into the race after the last Fox News poll showed “I Hate Them All” leading by a substantial margin.
So please give a big hand to fading rock star Ted Nugent and Freddy the Talking Frog, who is currently hibernating, and is being represented by his owner, seventh-grader Billy Lemereaux.
Sitting center stage for the 33rd consecutive Republican debate is Dr. Ben Carson, who has promised to finish his response to the final question of yesterday’s debate when he unfortunately fell asleep mid-answer. Flanking him are macho Marco Rubio, who looks relaxed and ready to go, now that he has quit his senate seat in a nod to the 10,000 Floridians who showed up at the Iowa caucuses shouting Do Your Job or Die, and straight-shooting Chris Christie just back from the Bridgegate trials looking fabulously fit as always.
These three frontrunners – along with Ted and Freddy – are joined by the usual coterie of also-rans, who we hope will provide a fusillade of barbed attacks to drive up the ratings, as well as a series of bizarre claims about what they will do if by some miracle they are elected president.
In tonight’s re-re-revamped Republican debate format, I will ask all the candidates a softball question, which they each slipped to me during the pre-debate pay-offs…uh, prep session. After their responses, I will repeat the question in the faint hope they will, having exhausted their canned spiel, inadvertently say what they actually think.
So, the first question goes to Dr. Carson.
Why, sir, is your vow to base our tax code on the tithing model so utterly awesome?
BC: Wendell, that is an unfair gotcha question that the voting public is sick and tired of hearing at these debates. Why don’t you ask me how incredibly difficult it was to separate conjoined twins like I once did in a Nobel-prize-worthy operation.
WW: OK. Will your tithing-based tax code miraculously produce enough revenue to pay for twin-separating operations?
BC: I don’t deal in propaganda, Wendell, but this tithing thing been separating me from the rest of the pack on this stage, so I’m sticking with it.
WW: Ex-senator Rubio, why are you the most optimistic candidate with your cherubic good looks and Hispanic last name?
MR: That’s an easy one, Wendell. Now that Hillary has dropped out to run the newly merged Goldman-Sachs-Citibank-Chase, I’m certain that a landslide November victory is all but inevitable for the only happy-talking Cuban refugee in the race.
WW: So your optimism is based on the Democrats not being able to put up a credible candidate?
MR: I am very optimistic that the eventual Democratic nominee – and I’m really hoping it’s that Marxist-Leninist guy whose name I won’t mention – will not ask me any questions in the real debates that I can’t answer by pointing out how I overcame incredible odds as a poor, Latino immigrant – including paying off burdensome student loans with my million-dollar book contract – to become the charming, young phenom I am today.
WW: Governor Christie, how do you feel about fantasy sports betting? And please feel free to mention every major issue facing our country in your answer, as well as offhandedly remarking how New Jerseyites prefer to address you as “The Boss II.”
CC: Everyone should be able bet on fantasy sports free of government meddling, but especially in Atlantic City, whose motto is “Everyone here is a WINNER now that Trump’s gone.” But smart gamblers will bet that, as president, I’ll browbeat that putz Putin into crushing ISIS by himself, stopping the Chinese from manipulating their currency, and reversing non-existent global warming. I’ll also get him to build a wall on the Mexican border for us – one with no doors!
WW: Are you saying Putin is the answer to our most pressing domestic problems as well as international conflicts?
CC: I’m saying that talking tough to Putin to get him to do what we want is like fantasy sports betting: the odds of success are astronomically small.
WW: Well, our 15-minute time limit under the new debate rules is almost up. So, we can ask just one more question, which goes to little Billy. Freddy surprised everyone when he jumped into the race yesterday and scored a solid 18% of likely voters in the overnight polls. What does he attribute this good showing to?
BL: Freddy is running on a platform of looking our problems squarely in the face in order to create workable solutions that reflect the concerns of all Americans. That way we can all share in the magnificent bounty of this great land of ours.
WW: You’re saying Freddy is doing well because of his thoughtful, balanced approach to the nation’s challenges?
BL: Absolutely. But mostly because he promises a fly in every pot.
WW: Billy, I think Freddy has hit on a winning platform. Good luck in tomorrow’s voting, and good luck to the rest of the contenders, who are now busy pummeling one another in their rush to be first to the Fox News spin room, where they can explain their non-answers, as always.