Conspiracy Theories: The Website for the Well-Informed Paranoiac

Keeping a vigilant public aware of plausible conspiracy theories

Conspiracy Theories is the hard hitting website that isn’t afraid to investigate and expose the dark forces that seek to prey in so many devious ways upon the general public. We are here because you need us! We are ever-vigilant against those evil people, organizations, nations and cultures that are out to handicap and repress our great American lifestyle.

The following are the dark, sinister plots we have uncovered this week:

Conspiracy TheoriesConspiracy Theory #3,482: Valiant researchers have discovered that dentists around the world have been weaving minute, low grade diamonds into the threads of dental floss for years.

These small specks of the hardest mineral known to man slowly erode the base of teeth with each flossing, eventually leading to the destruction of the enamel protecting their sensitive core. Once ruined, these teeth provide the dentists with a guaranteed returning customer base. The more teeth filed down by the compromised dental floss, the more the chairs outside their office are filled with fretting patients.

Conspiracy Theories wishes to have these dastardly demolishers of dentin dynamics taken down and dropped into the deepest, dingiest dungeon for their destructive deceptions. And throw in the floss manufacturers for their disgraceful display of depraved deviance as well. To imagine that this atrocity happened upon American soil makes it all that grimmer of a conspiracy. Who needs head-sawing Muslim terrorists when you have a professional of your own kind willing to destroy your head from the inside out with unscrupulous means?

Conspiracy Theory #583: Scientists have uncovered a dastardly plot by foreign yogurt makers who are putting an especially aggressive bacteria into their products.

The bacteria Lactobacillicus is a live entity that is a necessary part of a healthy intestine. This bacteria keeps the intestines functioning correctly and aid in digestion. The stronger agent being added has such a voraciousness that after digesting the food matter in the intestines it turns and starts feeding on the body itself, causing pains and organ malfunction.

The purpose of this devious undertaking is to weaken and undermine the yuppie element of America who are the main yogurt eaters of America. Most Americans regard the cultured milk product as ‘sissy food’ or weird. The thinking of the evil yogurt producers is that by crippling the yuppies who are the main force behind the computer and high tech industry that they will be helping to sabotage the entire economy of the United States.

We hope that this conspiracy theories exposé will lead to an investigation of these international ‘gut-busters.’ This is but another example of a domestic terrorist plot to help cripple America. Imagine segments of our upper class people all clutching their stomachs in raw agony, screaming for intestinal mercy.

The far reaching ramifications of this underhanded act of sabotage could be far reaching. Attacks upon the upper class yogurt eaters could cripple such vital industries as modeling agencies, computer app developers and shopping mall designers. Such underhanded vileness has rarely been fostered upon the American public.

Roger Freed