Iowa Tries to Kill Off Republican Candidates Early in the Election

The people of Iowa are trying to kill off the current crop of Republican delegates before they even make it to the primaries.

Appearing at various gatherings throughout the state to peddle their political wares, the ranting Righties were assaulted by vendors selling all sorts of unexpected gastronomical atrocities such as chocolate covered bacon, deep fried butter, super sized and super salted pretzels, fried pig ears, spaghetti and meatballs on a stick, even fried beer and other heart attack inducing indigestibles. (Paramedics have their work cut out for them during their stints at State Fairs.)

The effects have been disastrous.

Mitt Romney had an acne breakout that ruined his photo-op. Rick Santorum’s intestines seized up and strangled his gall bladder, sending him to the hospital and Newt Gingrich developed a halitosis that anesthetized the first two rows of his audience, actually giving three people in first row permanent paralysis from the fumes. Michelle Bachman put on 30 pounds in three days and lost 90% of her support base which consisted of mostly over 50, lonely, really horny redneck men.

The only candidate not effected was Ron Paul, who was seen eating a sack lunch he brought with him consisting of tofu burgers.

On a side note, Tim Pawlenty was gang raped by hog farmers whistling the song from Deliverance and demanding that he squeal like a pig.

FOX News has its pundits working on a story that the massive junk food bombardment was a liberal plot to foully murder off its leaders. Ann Coulter is already writing a book on it.

The Democrats have replied that the Republicans were doing a good enough job of that on their own.

Speaking of the Democrats, they are getting ready for their own primaries — not one to determine who was leading, but rather who had straw in their heads instead of brains. The findings were not inspiring.

On the plus side a good number of the candidates were referred over to a talent agent for the new Broadway musical The Wizard Of Oz.

NEWS FLASH! — We have learned Ms. Bachman’s condition worsened to the point that she was taken to the hospital for a blood transfusion. This procedure was, however, halted when it was discovered that she had battery acid instead of blood running through her veins and her body would probably reject it.

Roger Freed