Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Secret Service slaps down White House claim that ‘magnetometers’ shrank inaugural crowd size

No word if this guy has an alibi.

Trump will speak with Putin by phone this weekend

Instead of the normal sexting.

RIP Mary Tyler Moore

You turned all our worlds on with your smile. And, nice catch of the hat in the opening credits, BTW.

4.6 million people in 673 cities protest

4.6 million and one, if you count Melania blinking an SOS during the Inaugural.

Symbolic ‘Doomsday Clock’ moves closer to midnight

No word if Trump’s face is now on the Doomsday Clock, not to mention giving the clock little tiny hands.

Aerial drones reveal sharks in shallow water

…So, they caught lawyers taking some time off at a professional conference.

Donald Trump wants to make America waterboard again

Adding: ‘I’ll do nothing I haven’t done first to Chris Christie.’

Hostess launches deep fried Twinkies

Defibrillator sales soar.

Trump immigration ban sends shockwaves through tech

Y’know, come to think of it, Siri does sound like one of those Muslin names.

Mel Gibson confirms birth of 9th kid

If he stamps his ‘Frequent Fathering’ card the next one’s free.

El Chapo’s New York jail sounds like literal hell

And, with NYC real estate prices, it would go for $1.2MM.

Madonna denies reports she is trying to adopt 2 more children from Malawi

…And break celebrity adoption records now held by Angelina Jolie.

There are 15 dogs named Potato in NYC

Look for their reality series ‘Dog House of Carbs.’

Trump’s ‘Extreme Vetting’ leaves thousands scrambling at airports

I can’t be only thinking the Trump Cabinet has gone through less vetting than the people who were being held at JFK.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)