“Killing O’Reilly” – A Bestseller & Just Deserts



A who-done-it & why-wasn’t-it-done-before thriller about Bill O’Reilly!

It only seems fair that Bill O’Reilly, the best-selling author of Killing Kennedy, Killing Lincoln, Killing Patton and Killing Jesus would have a contract out on his own skin by eight sexually harassed women!

Let’s call them Jane, Janie, Jan, Janis, Janet, Janell, Jannifer and Carol!

Their plot is a bit unconventional and rudimentary — but hey, they only get together on Tuesdays and Thursdays.  Right now they’re collecting weapons and then will figure out what their strategy will be — something like Trump’s Foreign Policy.

So far, they have a Candlestick, a Knife, a Lead Pipe and a Wrench.  Revolvers are too noisy and since they couldn’t decide on the length of a rope — they ditched the idea.

Jannifer will bring the most important weapon — an icicle good for 15 minutes or it’s over and promises to mop up.  Janet says, “I have a hammer” — which takes care of that.

They all plan to enter O’Reilly’s home dressed in black, in heels — with silencers.  In case they get hungry, Carol’s brother-in-law will be coming in with a killer jar of Col. Dijon Mustard.

They will go straight to the Conservatory and hide out until he comes home — if he stops in the Lavatory it could screw up their timing.

And, just like Trump, they don’t want to give out any more hints when they plan to strike — it may be April 29 or April 30 — it may be  2 AM or 2 PM.

And, just like the game the White House is playing, nobody knows the type of mustard they’re spreading — grainy, honey or slap my baloney… well, unless Devin Nunes wiretapped Sargent Mustard himself.  (Yes, since this caper started he was demoted.)

     But it definitely will be Bill O’Reilly!  If he walks in with Donald Trump who defended his dastardly actions, they should bring two icicles!  If Roger Ailes also drops by, they’ll know exactly where to put the mustard!

Okay, I admit this was a bit of whimsy, fantasy and thinking outside the box — which reminds me they’ll need a six foot box and no breathing holes!

No, I’m not a feminist, but a satirist who happens to like board games.  But, to be very frank, just like Trump… I don’t think they have a Clue!

Marilyn Sands