What’s your sign? Check out your and every other jerk’s horoscope right here every month!
What? You don’t even believe in astrology? No matter, it doesn’t believe in you! And you could be wrong. So, just in case, here’s your horoscope for the month:
|Aries: This week verbal communication is not in your best interest. Just use your horns to nod up-and-down to get your points across, like Trump on a bad wig day.|
|Taurus: Stop pretending that you’re a passionate, creative person. We all know very well that you only use your fancy camera for selfies, and your true love is the remote control.|
|Gemini: Sexual healing could be at your fingertips this week, but it’s more likely you’ll have too much indecisive flatulence for intimacy.|
|Cancer: You’ll be alone today, tomorrow, this week, and probably for the rest of 2017. The only way to push through this is to watch Adult Swim.|
|Leo: If your egotism gets any higher this week, Sarah Palin is going to smell your Lion stench, hunt you down, and then read hours of horrific poetry to you.|
|Virgo: Stop analyzing the interconnections of soap bubbles and water fairies. Consider directing your attention to blogs about the legalization of marijuana instead.|
|Libra: If you try really, really hard, while biting your lip and acquiescing to confusion, you might balance something this week. Just stay away from dessert and belly-buttons.|
|Scorpio: This week, you’ll be like you are every week: like Tammy Faye Bakker trying to get Johnny Depp to play Jesus: you know, a manipulative…|
|Sagittarius: As you’re shooting for the stars, don’t miss and shoot a corrupt politician due to your latent ambition to accomplish something important. After all, your aim could improve immensely.|
|Capricorn: You’re so grounded that everyone admires your stability and tenacity. Oh, wait, the cosmic energies misspoke: you’re more like a stuck-in-the-mud Republican lobbyist that no one likes.|
|Aquarius: Did you enjoy attending The Socially Conscious March & Holistic Movement for the Betterment of Rabbits with Dark Hair & Low Libido? We thought so.|
|Pisces: You might think this horoscope is a further invitation into delusion-ville, but it’s more like a cry from the Universe for you to stop whining. Consider: how big is the brain of a fish?|
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