[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Trump Financial Plan: Print More Money

The administration rolls out a plan to solve all the country’s financial woes: print as much money as needed.

The Trump White House has announced a new economic plan to rid the country of its domestic and foreign debt, eradicate taxes and provide enough funding for infrastructure projects over the next ten years by printing as much money as needed.

print moneySome economists argue that printing an infinite supply of money will reduce the value of the American dollar to pennies, driving the cost of everyday goods like a loaf of bread to more than $100. The White House, through the following statement from Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin, refutes such claims.

Claims that prices would spiral out of control are absurd. Why would that happen? More money being pumped into the economy doesn’t translate to higher prices. It happens every day. Ever hear of interest? It’s money being created! Or foreign investors — what do you think happens when their money is used for American projects? Yuan, Euro, rubles are all turned into American dollars through some sort of conversion alchemy, which means you have more money in the economy. And nothing changes. Things are fine. Which is exactly what our plan is going to do, except we’re making it a direct link from the Treasury to the people.

The statement, which, at times, seems to ramble, continues:

The infinite influx of cash will help the country wipe out all of its debt to other countries. Whatever we owe another nation, we’re most confident that nation will accept a cash payment. And the president is such a good negotiator, they’ll take fifty cents on the dollar. We owe China $1.1 trillion. We owe Japan even more, but nobody talks about that, so that doesn’t matter. But guess what? China is going to forgive the debt for five hundred billion. With this deal, the country saves half a trillion dollars. That’s big money.

And economists who warn of rising inflation are wrong. If someone charges a hundred bucks for a loaf of bread, other bakers will undercut him and charge less. You can charge whatever you want. It’s a free market. It’s perfect.

Not to mention, this plan gets rid of taxes. Talk about a tax cut; this is a tax eliminator. Nobody has ever cut taxes like this. How great is that?

Also, companies that secure contracts for any infrastructure or development projects through the new fiscal plan are eligible to have their corporate debts paid off by a governmental cash infusion, which will create tons of jobs that will be higher-paying than any in history, because employers can pay whatever they like, including to themselves.

*Update: The White House would like to clarify that the phrase “infinite influx of cash” is inaccurate and fake, and that “endless” should replace “infinite.”

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Daniel DiPrinzio

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