[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

God Says Eclipse Was a Warning Against ‘Antichrist’ in the White House

“This eclipse went right across America – coincidence? I deemeth not,” sayeth the Lord God: Exclusive interview!

We obtained an exclusive interview with the Lord God via the new GoogleSeance™ technology this morning, and we can report with certainty that He is Pissed.

Eclipse from God“I didn’t create America for this,” He said. “Yeah, that’s right, I made America — and that’s the only thing Sarah Palin was right about.”

The Lord made it clear that He did not intend for such charlatans as Donald J Trump, “nor the likes of Andrew Jackson and Warren G Harding for that matter,” to occupy “His” Oval Office.

“I thought I was creating a ‘shining city upon a hill’ when I made America,” God said, “and — you guessed it — that’s the only thing Ronald Reagan got right.”

“But I certainly didn’t intend for a serial liar, adulterer, women’s genitals grabber, political con-artist, ignoramus, narcissist, dictator-lover, porn video actor, enemy of a free press, employee cheater, racist landlord, neo-Nazi lover, and violence inciter to become the 45th president of the United States of America,” God bellowed, lightening striking all around His glorious countenance.

The Lord made it clear that He does indeed intend for His eclipses to send messages — just not what “most so-called preachers seem to think.” And although scientists can predict the eclipses, “They are not so good at predicting what will be happening when they occur. But I know. Oh yeah, you can bet your fat mortal booty I know.”

The Almighty ended the interview abruptly, saying He had some real work to do, “like inspiring the hearts and minds of those helping refugees and war victims,” as well as “those brave souls fighting this psychopathic Antichrist,” so they don’t get too discouraged.

“I made a decision when I started this whole mess to give you guys Free Will, and I regret it nearly every day, when I see what you’re doing with it. But a deal’s a deal,” He said.

“So, I’ll just have to do what I can to help out. Like sending eclipse warnings.”

Then, in a blinding flash, he was gone, leaving only a still-warm set of GoogleSeance™ headphones behind.

James Israel
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