Ripping the Headlines Today, 8/21/17

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

headlines today

Infowars Alex Jones said Charlottesville protesters looked like Jews from the cast of Seinfeld

So, the guy confused Soup Nazis with real Nazis.

Charlottesville white supremacists ‘terrified’ of being exposed online, losing their jobs

There should be a site for this called Tikileaks.

Happy 74th birthday, Robert DeNiro

That’s right I’m talking to you. Who the hell else would I be talking to? Do you see anyone else here?

McDonald’s workers are set to strike for the first time in UK history

Seems only thing they can’t supersize is their paychecks.

OkCupid just banned a white supremacist for life ‪

Ladies, you can now find him on OKKKCupid…

Jury rules in favor of Taylor Swift in groping case

Or, as she calls it, enough material for a double album.

Steve Bannon out as White House adviser

Get that resume updated, Mel Gibson.

Babe star James Cromwell on arrest at Orange County power plant protest

Can we stop talking about people based on their looks? Oh wait…

Trump retweets, then deletes, image of train crashing into ‘CNN’

So, like Mussolini, he wants to make the trains run on Time-Warner.

74-year old Mick Jagger hits the town with 6-month old son

That’s Jagger’s 8th kid by a bunch of baby mommas. So, if this music thing doesn’t work there’s still the NBA.

Trump slams Merck’s Kevin Frazier for resigning from council after Charlottesville

At least he didn’t call him a black drug dealer… yet.

RIP Jerry Lewis

Seriously, haven’t the French suffered enough?

Nude sleeping, is it good for your health?

Not if the person you’re with has their spouse show up unexpectedly.

Kennedy Center on Trump skipping honors: We are ‘grateful for this gesture’

In his honor, the dinner menu will include ‘Orange Flavored Chicken.’

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)
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