Ripping the Headlines Today, 1/22/18

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to, like the one about Stormy Daniels!

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

headlines today, Stormy Daniels

Stormy Daniels once claimed she spanked Donald Trump with a Forbes magazine

Damn, even when it comes to magazines, he doesn’t have a Fortune.

Psychic paid $3.5 million for exorcisms gets prison for evading U.S. taxes

Shoulda seen this coming…

Kushner’s real estate company being probed over visa program by the SEC

Well, at least all this probing is getting him ready for prison.

Women’s March: Protestors gather in cities nationwide for a second day

…this one just for people who had bad sex with Aziz Ansari.

Due to government shutdown Statue of Liberty closed

In the meantime, Trump can hook her up to do some porn to make ends meet.

LiAngelo and LaMelo Ball delight crowd at pro debut in Lithuania

I can’t be only one thinking Lavar Ball took his kids to play in Lithuania because he thought it was spelled LiThuania.

Kim, Kanye name their new baby Chicago West, joining siblings North and Saint

It’s less like they’re naming people and more like they’re naming airlines.

Trump’s doctor schedules a colonoscopy

…mostly to try and find Mike Pence.

Tom Petty’s Autopsy: Singer died from massive accidental drug overdose

Sadly, for a rock star that counts as natural causes.

Net neutrality suit gains support from tech’s biggest companies

Don’t believe me? Google it.

Donald Trump wanted a white-versus-black season of ‘The Apprentice’

That explains why Ben Carson is always tired. He has to take on everyone in the Cabinet softball game.

Teen girl booted from prom when dads check her out

Sounds like this year’s theme was the Sheriff Roy Moore campaign.

Sen. Flake says no evidence found of ‘sonic attacks’ on Americans in Cuba

Although, some people did have less tartar buildup.

Mar-a-Lago busted on 15 violations — and that’s just in the kitchen

Mar-a-Lago is apparently the Spanish term for ‘Shithole.’

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)
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