Jerry Duncan Interviews Jane Fonda

Wherein our intrepid talk radio host interviews actress and political activist Jane Fonda.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. My guest today is actress and political activist Jane Fonda.

Jane Fonda by Larry Weber
Jane Fonda by Larry Weber.

JANE FONDA

Hi there.

JERRY

Welcome Ms. Fonda.

FONDA

Call me Jane.

JERRY

Me Tarzan. You Jane.

FONDA

But you look more like Cheetah.

JERRY

I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that “Hanoi Jane.”

FONDA

What the hell did you just call me?

JERRY

“Enjoy Jane.” You know, you’re a fun person to be around whether you’re here or in Hanoi. Oops.

FONDA

Okay. Let’s get it out in the open. Yes, I was in Hanoi in 1972 on an anti-Vietnam War crusade. I spoke out against the war on Radio Hanoi and had a picture taken on an anti aircraft gun.

JERRY

And you said US military POWs weren’t tortured.

FONDA

I was wrong and apologized. The POWs were forced to watch my movie Barefoot In The Park. That was torture.

JERRY

You also protested the Iraq War in 2003.

FONDA

I did. There’s never been a war I didn’t protest. I need the publicity. I have protests coming up for every war in the world. Licking my chops for the nuclear war Trump will be starting with North Korea.

JERRY

You’ve been married and divorced three times.  One of your husbands was Tom Hayden. He was a member of the Chicago Eight and Federally charged for conspiracy and inciting to riot during anti Vietnam war protests in 1968.

FONDA

It was just boys being boys. Tom matured and was elected to the California State Assembly and Senate. I’m sure that you’ve made bad decisions in life. I know your mother did.

JERRY

Grrr. Do you remember what you looked like before your first plastic surgery?

FONDA

Not funny, Duncan.

JERRY

Moving on. You married and divorced movie director Roger Vadim.

FONDA

Loser.

JERRY

Married Ted Turner.

FONDA

Winner. Owned CNN. Big bucks.

JERRY

That marriage didn’t last.

FONDA

It was because Ted was bi-polar. It sucked the life out of me and I hated his baseball team the Atlanta Braves. There was so much pent up anger inside that I wanted to chop off his nuts with the Braves tomahawk. But then I found God.

JERRY

And what did He say?

FONDA

It’s a She. I was inspired by the divine words ” I got a young stud waiting for you.” That’s all I needed to hear, baby. I was out the house before the dust settled.

JERRY

You won two Academy Awards for best actress in the films Klute in 1971 and Coming Home in 1978. You also had the top selling video in 1982 with Jane Fonda’s Workout.

A door is heard opening and closing.

INTERN

Mr. Duncan.

JERRY

What four eyes? Don’t tell me that numbskull Bernie Sanders is in the studio.

INTERN

No, no sir. It’s Megan Kelly. She’s very determined.

JERRY

Okay. Bring her in.

The sound of high heels clicking.

KELLY

I appreciate your time, Jerry. That bitch over there publicly humiliated me in the national press and said I was a loser.

FONDA

(screaming) Your ratings on the Today Show are lower than Charles Manson’s IQ!

KELLY

During our interview, all I did is question why your face could look so good for an 80 -year-old without having plastic surgery.

FONDA

It’s none of your damn business Ms. Nobody.

KELLY

I’m a reporter. I seek the truth.

FONDA

You’re a bimbo. And you don’t tell the truth. You said to your listeners when you were on Fox that Jesus and Santa Claus were white. Are those facts or fake news?

KELLY

You’re jealous because I’m a runner with a killer body.

FONDA

If you ran like your mouth, you’d be in good shape.

KELLY

I’m not saying I hate you, but I’d unplug your life support to charge my phone.

JERRY

Hold on Kelly. When you remove those layers of makeup, I wouldn’t be surprised to find out you’re really Ann Coulter.

FONDA

Ha, ha, ha. That’s funny.

JERRY

And you Fonda are probably Richard Simmons. Who else could exercise like that?

KELLY

Ha, ha, ha. So much for Jane Fonda’s Workout.

FONDA

Come over here and say that to my face. I’ll punch…

JERRY

This is getting nasty between these two idiots. Calling security. See you tomorrow everyone.

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Dean Kaner

Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. He specializes in comedy and can be hired as a writer for corporate events and special occasions like birthdays, bachelor parties, etc. Email [email protected] for more information.
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