[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

NRA Flies Flag at Half Mast for AR-15 Cut in Half by Gun Owner

Many NRA members have been traumatized by a video of a AR-15 sawed into pieces.

With a sense of tragic loss and deep empathy, NRA Headquarters and local affiliate branches have lowered their flags to half mast, in honor of an AR-15 assault rifle that was horrifyingly cut in half and destroyed by its owner.

AR-15 Cut in HalfScott Pappalardo, disgusted by the mass shooting at Parkland School in Florida, made a video of himself cutting his gun into pieces. It has been viewed by 18 million people. Including NRA members.

Boy, are they ever upset!

Many NRA members are severely traumatized by the video. Interviews with the psychically shattered from among the ‘Iron Gun Brotherhood” show similar reactions to the incident.

“Oh my God, how gruesome!” shrieked long time NRA member Jim Neverblanks when he saw the dismembered gun. “How can any true American condone such a needless slaughter?” “This is chilling! Horrifying!” exclaimed Cecelia Deadshot, an NRA instructor from Idonknow, Nebraska. “Why would anyone with blood in their veins want to do that to a poor, innocent gun?”

“This atrocity goes beyond anything I’ve ever seen for a carnage committed on a legal weapon,” said ballistics expert Jamie Gutshot from Hernia, Alabama heatedly. “This video should not be out where the public can see it. It might give other people ideas and start a cult of gun-destroying maniacs! There must be some sort of law against destroying your own gun. If not, then the NRA needs to break the correct legal arms to get one passed like they normally do!”

Philip Pitbull, a hardened vet of three terms of duty in Iraq, was appalled by the tape of the destroyed AR-15. “I upchucked my entire $10.99 Denny’s super sausage breakfast with eggs and grits when I saw it. No person should have to see such savagery. I’ve been through two tours of duty and never saw anything as disturbing as this destruction. I have seen Iraqi children run over by speeding Humvees but nothing bothers me as much as this dismemberment of a perfectly good gun. It is an unthinkable crime!”

The NRA and rifle manufacturers are trying to have the film removed from social media before it gets too big. Unfortunately it already has, and they are becoming the laughing bump-stocks of the nation because of it.

Jane Fondaesque of the organization Mothers For the Elimination Of Assault Rifles Because We Are Tired of Having Babies Just To Have You Kill Them Off sent this message off to the chief gun club: “Now it is time for you to have to clean the messy gun oil off the sidewalks from destroyed weapons the same way we have to clean our kids blood off it.”

“Thithy pants gun owners!” said Bryan Harelip, leader of Lefty Liberalth For The Liberation Of Lithpers. “They can’t take it when one of their preciouth toys gets the ax. How does that thuit you, NRA, now one of your own ith being taken down big time?”

The NRA has vowed to keep its flagth, sorry — flags, at half mast until all Americans — note: ALL Americans — realize that the NRA runs the U.S. from behind the scenes and we had damn well better get used to it. Or else.


Roger Freed