Ripping the Headlines Today, 3/12/18

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Trump to meet Kim Jong Un, headlines today
Donald Trump plans to meet with Kim Jong Un.

Trump accepts offer to meet with Kim Jong Un

Look for it to sponsored by the ‘Hair Club for Madmen.’

‘Pharma Bro’ gets 7 years in prison in securities fraud case

Here’s hoping whatever he buys in prison cost 1000X what it costs other prisoners…

Oscar ratings hit all-time low

Meaning, if the ratings get any lower it, too, can one day be President.

Weinstein Company investors back out of deal

Which, ironically, is how women had to leave his office to be safe.

Bones found in 1940 likely belong to Amelia Earhart, researcher claims

While there’s no chance they’ll ever find her luggage…

Top economic adviser Gary Cohn leaves White House in wake of tariff rift

But, I hear there were good people on both sides.

Florida lawmakers send gun-control bill to Governor, includes plan to arm teachers

That means Florida is now a ‘Stand Your Ground’ and a ‘Stand Your Playground’ State.

‘Get Out’ wins best original screenplay at Oscars

Boy, Trump is gonna be pissed when he finds out ‘Get Out’ isn’t about his immigration policy.

Fox News host Jesse Watters to divorce after cheating on wife with 25-year-old employee

Look for his new show ‘Fox and Friends with Benefits.’

Should employers keep testing workers for pot?

…only if they want to make sure they bring enough for everyone.

CNN’s Chris Cuomo reminds Ted Cruz that his name is Rafael after Senator releases ad mocking challenger’s name

…and that he has no alibi for Zodiac killings.

Happy 31st birthday, rapper Bow Wow

Or, happy 4 and 1/2 in Bow Wow years.

CNN’s Erin Burnett to Sam Nunberg: I smell alcohol on your breath

In case you were wondering where all that unsold Trump Vodka went.

Kelly Ripa secretly ‘livid’ about Ryan Seacrest scandal: ‘This is her show’

No word if Seacrest patted her on the butt and told her: ‘Don’t worry your pretty little head about it, it’ll be ok, Sweet Cheeks.’

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)
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