The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Laurel and Hardy

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews comedians Laurel and Hardy, and Don Rickles.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

JERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Through the magic of a hologram, live from heaven, my guests are comedians Stan Laurel and Oliver Hardy of Laurel and Hardy fame, and Don Rickles.

Laurel and HardyLAUREL

Hello.

HARDY

Hi.

RICKLES

Look at Stan Laurel. He’s so skinny, I can grate cheese on his ribs.

Hardy laughs.

RICKLES

What’s so funny?

HARDY

I’m sorry, Mr. Rickles. I didn’t mean to laugh. It was a faux pas.

RICKLES

Is it alright if I sell your underwear to the circus? I hear they need a new tent.

JERRY

Hey, Stan and Ollie. What’s the difference between a monkey, a prince and Don Rickles?

LAUREL

Beats me.

JERRY

A monkey has a hairy parent, a prince is an heir apparent, and Don Rickles has no hair apparent.

RICKLES

You’re getting on my nerves, Duncan. I know Frank Sinatra.

JERRY

You’re the boys’ supervisor. Is that correct?

RICKLES

Yes. We’re building a wall to keep out Trump (pointing to the wall). As you can see, it’s 20 feet high.

RICKLES

Say fellas. Did you use 53-grade cement between the bricks?

LAUREL

What cement?

A rumbling sound is heard.

HARDY

Watch out, Mr. Rickles!

The bricks start falling on Rickles head.

LAUREL

He’s out cold.

HARDY

Here’s another nice mess you’ve gotten me into. Now what are we going to do?

LAUREL

Let’s put a sledge hammer in his hand and everybody will think he went nuts.

HARDY

I’m beginning to think you’re right.

LAUREL

You bet your life I’m right. You know, I’m not a s dumb as you look.

JERRY

Wait a second, boys. You need to get Mr. Warmth out of unconsciousness. Pour cold water over him.

HARDY

Duncan, at last you’re using my brains.

HARDY

Hurry, Stanley. Let’s get a bucket of water.

RICKLES

(regaining consciousness) Melania, Melania Trump. I love hearing your Dracula voice. Please bite my neck.

DUNCAN

Are you okay, Rickles?

RICKLES

(sarcastic) No. I’m going dancing with Ginger Rogers.

RICKLES

Say. Where are those two numbskulls? Millions of workers in heaven and they send me a few clowns short of a circus.

Laurel and Hardy arrive with a bucket of water. Laurel tosses the water on Rickles face as he is getting up.

RICKLES

What do you think this is? The ice bucket challenge?

HARDY

My friend here thought you were unconscious.

RICKLES

I want to tell you from the bottom of my heart. Stan Laurel told me he never liked you.

RICKLES

Look at the mess you two created. The Lord wants me in his office first thing tomorrow morning.

LAUREL

Do you think you could ask if Ollie and I can have a raise?

RICKLES

I’m about to lose my angel wings and you come up with a question so nuts, it makes Donald Trump sound intelligent.

JERRY

Suck it up. So you get demoted.

RICKLES

Duncan. When you get to your wit’s end, you’ll find the Lord lives there. You hockey puck!

JERRY

(laughs) That’s it for today.

RICKLES

Oh sure. Laugh it up. You make $200,000 a year and your poor parents are back in Alaska eating beetles for dinner.

LAUREL

There’s an old saying. You can lead a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead.

JERRY

See you tomorrow everyone.

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Dean Kaner

Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis.
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