Not-So-Super Tuesday Report

And now your eagerly awaited Super Tuesday Report. Named for the quantity of contests and not the quality of participants. Perhaps it would be more apt to say Not-So-Super Tuesday Report. More of a Frenetic and Confusing but Ultimately Unsatisfying with a Slight Aftertaste of Desperation Tuesday Report.

The biggest complaint is lack of resolution. No dragons slain. No damsels rescued. Not even a castle breached. Although there was that bit of swordplay in Ohio. And you can never discount the romantic poetry that is a Rick Santorum victory celebration in Steubenville.

Super Tuesday: The Republican field is all in! Art by Jacob Sanders.
The Republican field is all in! Art by Jacob Sanders.

The night reverberated with echoes of a Democratic affair rather than a Republican one because there was something for everyone. Tres egalitarian. “We’re all winners here.” Mitt Romney took six states, Rick Santorum three and that Energizer Bunny, Newt Gingrich, won his home stomping grounds of Georgia.

Ron Paul reportedly is still running, but nobody is sure how or why. The Texan doctor just quietly rolls along racking up his regular 15 percent, clogging up the bottom of the pack. This time around in the four-man race, it was three seconds, three thirds and four fourth- place finishes. If he were a horse, vets would be whispering about euthanasia.

Santorum would love to see Gingrich drop out in order to isolate Romney, but Newt refuses to wilt. It’s that old sports aphorism: “You can’t stop him, all you can do is hope to contain him. And the Newtster seems to be contained. In the Southeast. Perhaps the Centers for Disease Control had something to do with it.

Meanwhile, Team Romney’s frustration is bubbling up like a 3:00AM street burrito. They’ve resorted to trumpeting their candidate’s inevitability.

Wow. Inevitability. What’s that? Some Borg thing? “Resistance is futile.” Sounds like the fifth and final stage of grief. “Oh, all right. I guess. Why not? Go Mitt.”

Let’s see. Who was the last candidate that flaunted an air of inevitability? Oh, that’s right, Hillary Clinton. Who, you got to admit, ended up with a halfway decent job.

Some folks maintain this extended process is making the Mittmeister a better candidate. But the more he has to back-pedal to catch the spiraling nomination, the less time there is to build momentum for the general sprint downfield. Not good news for a candidate with few blockers and his propensity for fumbling.

All Mitt Romney has been doing for five years is training to run for president. How much better can he get at this? Pretty sure his learning curve has used up all its bendy parts. During his victory speech in Boston, Romney promised “real change.” And you got to admit, the man has a huge amount of experience, particularly considering his own policies.

So the stretch run to 1,144 delegates continues, and the track moves on to Mississippi and Alabama where Newt’s half-price-gas message is expected to resonate with what are now being euphemistically called “Low-Information Voters.” Says so right there in the Constitution: Life, Liberty, the Pursuit of Happiness and Cheap Unleaded.

They don’t call it Super Tuesday for nothing. No more shall we see that multitude of races in this edition of the Political Breeder’s Cup. And while Mitt Romney has his hands looped in momentum’s reins, he’s down to one last home-state flower blanket to drape across his withers.

Elect to Laugh! at the Marsh San Francisco, with Will Durst. This Tuesday: Big Press Opening. 415.826.5750 Special $10 tickets. Use code “vote.”

Will Durst
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