The Jerry Duncan Show Interviews Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.

ANNOUNCER

Live from under a rock in your backyard, it’s The Jerry Duncan Show.

Alexandria Ocasio-CortezJERRY

Good morning listeners nationwide. Is it a good morning? We’ll soon find out. Today on the show my guest is the newly-elected New York Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.

JERRY

Good morning Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.

CORTEZ

Tu madre es una idiota.

JERRY

What are you saying?

CORTEZ

Yo mama is so stupid, she tried to blow out a light bulb. Aprender a hablar espanol.

JERRY

Shut up before I call ICE.

CORTEZ

You’re no fun.

JERRY

Wow. Only 29 years old and elected to Congress.

CORTEZ

And no experience. Just like Trump.

JERRY

I know. Former Senator Claire McCaskill called you a “thing” and a “bright shiny new object.” That the Democratic Party is turning away from real issues for “pie-in-the sky policy ideas.”

CORTEZ

That overstuffed tamale dissed me. I’m gonna kick her butt so hard, she’ll taste her rotting ovaries.

JERRY

Sounds like a threat.

CORTEZ

I’m Puerto Rican from the Bronx. Promises made. Promises kept.

JERRY

Hey, Alexandria. Why are there no Puerto Rican doctors?

CORTEZ

Beats me.

JERRY

Because you can’t write prescriptions with spray paint.

CORTEZ

Eres un hombre loco. You are a crazy man.

JERRY

I wasn’t born with enough middle fingers to respond to that remark.

CORTEZ

How many times do I have to flush before you go away?

JERRY

It says in my notes that you graduated from Boston University. An economics major.

CORTEZ

Yes, sir. I’m focused on balancing the Federal budget. We have a 985 billion dollar deficit. A 9% increase from 2017 since Trump gave tax cuts to the wealthy. Why couldn’t my family get a tax cut when I was growing up? My mother scrubbed toilets so I could go to college. That’s why I believe in tuition-free public college and trade school.

JERRY

That means I have to pay for all those freeloaders.

CORTEZ

As poor as we were, my mother used to make me laugh. Lots of cleaning lady jokes. Do you know what the poo said to the fart?

JERRY

Were you expelled?

CORTEZ

Wrong. The answer is, you blow me away.

JERRY

You received 75% of the votes from your district in the midterm elections.

CORTEZ

I connected with my homies. I want medicare for all the peeps. Call it a human right. Healthcare is the number one concern of Americans.

JERRY

(sound of cell phone ringing) Just a minute, I have to take this call. It’s coming from DC.

CORTEZ

Make it snappy. I’m busy, bro.

JERRY

Who is this? Missouri Senator Claire McCaskill? Hold on. Let me put you on speaker.

MCCASKILL

Ocasio-Cortez. You called me an overstuffed tamale. It’s all over Facebook and Instagram.

CORTEZ

I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to say that.

MCCASKILL

Okay. Apology accepted.

CORTEZ

I meant to say that behind every fat woman like you, there’s a beautiful woman like me. So sis, you’re in the way.

MCCASKILL

The New York Yankees suck!

CORTEZ

So do the Kansas City Royals!

MCCASKILL

I hate the New York Giants!

CORTEZ

The LA Rams moved out of St. Louis, because you brought them bad luck!

JERRY

This is getting ugly, folks. See you tomorrow.

CORTEZ

(screaming) You know what rhymes with Claire? Bear!

The following two tabs change content below.
Dean Kaner

Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis.