Ripping the Headlines Today, 1/27/19

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

NFL Chad Ochocinco, Roger Stone

Ex-NFLer Chad Ochocinco says he watched FBI arrest his neighbor Roger Stone

I feel for Roger Stone’s neighbors, because, damn, when Chad Ochocinco ain’t the craziest MFer on your block, that’s something.

What to eat at Burger King if you happen to be on a diet

Uh, the wrapper?

Trump spent 2 minutes at MLK Memorial

… in fairness, that’s a minute 20 seconds longer than he lasted with Stormy Daniels!

Alec Baldwin takes plea deal in Greenwich Village parking spot scuffle case, gets anger management

Weird, he doesn’t seem to have trouble managing to get angry.

Venezuela wants $1.2 billion in gold back from bank of England

Or, as it’s known in Venezuela, two slices of bread and a can of Spam!

NBC News tells staffers not to call Congressman Steven King’s racist remarks ‘racist’

Guessing they changed that to ‘f%&king racist.’

Victoria Beckham reveals it wasn’t a hard decision to skip Spice Girls reunion tour

… ‘cause she already has what she wants, what she really, really wants.

Conservatives to Trump: You caved!

Sounds like they think Trump should make his theme song ‘I got 99 problems and Nancy Pelosi making me her bitch is one!’

Harvard scientist continues to claim Oumuamua is an alien probe directed to Earth

And, I keep reading that as Omarosa… I think we’re both right!!!!

Trump offered NASA unlimited funding to go to Mars

Probably told them not worry, it was going to be paid for by Jupiter.

Prominent US ‘gay conversion therapist’ David Matheson divorces wife and comes out as gay

Makes sense it happened around the holidays when he felt a need to ‘don his gay apparel.’

‘Frozen’ Niagara Falls photos spread across social media

Slowly, I turned…!

Report: Because of climate change Mar A Largo could wind up underwater

Just like Trump’s other businesses.

Costco is selling a street-tacos kit that’s cooked and ready to assemble

… and serves 1326 people!

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)
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