[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Patient Treated for Mysterious Medical Condition Known Only as ‘EDXYZ’

He later required treatment for the medical condition caused by the first prescription.

Erwin Drexell is ferclempt over what he calls the pharmaceutical industry’s attempt to make up new bodily afflictions, give them mysterious axioms, and miraculously develop a new drug that will treat these placebo illnesses.

medical conditionOne could imagine what the medical condition “EDXYZ” means, i.e. Erectile Dysfunction, XYZ (we honestly don’t know). This ambiguity drives Drexell to stay up late at night trying to decode the various medical axioms he receives from his insurance company.

Meanwhile, Drexell says he is now suffering from PTSD or MDD as a direct result of the pharmaceutical companies making him use up too much of the serotonin in his brain (he learned this on OZ).

While his primary care doctor highly recommends Erwin go on anti-depressants, they failed to tell him that some anti-depressants may heighten his inability to maintain an erection. In other words, Erwin, “you are NOT screwed.”

“I didn’t know there was more than one kind of erectile dysfunction. Is there?” Erwin said, as he let out a long, slow whine and continued to look up every possible combination of medical terms he could on the internet.

Edwin came to the conclusion that it is possible that the medical condition known as EDXYZ does not actually exist. However, that did not stop his health care provider from not only diagnosing Erwin as possible EDXYZ, but also handing him a bag filled with samples of a new medicine named Oxutopia. Oxutopia was designed by one of the big pharmaceutical companies to treat this rare, (but soon to be all too common) affliction of the male member.

Once home, Erwin unloaded the free samples on his kitchen table, deciding to take just one to see what happened. Within a few minutes of the drug taking effect, Old Faithful made a mighty roar. Edwin was astounded and commented that he could not have been more wrong about the scenario that played over and over in his head — that EDXYZ was a scam. With renewed hope, Erwin stated that maybe there is such a disease as EDXYZ, and maybe the pharmaceutical companies want all us men to be proud of their stiffies.

Not so fast, Erwin. There seemed to be one little glitch — muscle cramps. When consuming Oxutopia, there is a 75% chance male users will experience muscle cramps throughout the body, including the penis, immobilizing them to the point of being unable to finally have sex. According to the FDA, however, it is not life-threatening and therefore of no substantial concern to them. This leaves it in the capable hands of insurance companies who know exactly what to do — create a new drug to counteract the new drug that counteracts the effects of the mysterious disease known as EDXYZ.

Coincidentally, there is a new drug on the market Uptafil to take care of body cramping directly associated with taking the drug Oxutopia. However, it is sold in single shots and should only be used if nothing else eases the cramping. The cost of this drug is astronomical; however, having it handy, especially when visiting Oriental Day Spas somewhere in Florida, is what we in the business call “peace of mind.”

The moral of the story is this: don’t worry what the doctor diagnoses you with, they already have a drug that will take care of it, and if they don’t, go have a massage to relieve the anxiety brought on by trying to figure out the medical axioms.

P. Beckert